I’m not being consistent with my writing anymore. Sorry for those dearly devoted ones that read my blog. I am 7 weeks post-op today. I’m doing PT 2 times a week and am still in the collar. There is some good news though. I had almost NO PAIN on Monday. I cannot remember the last time I had a day without pain.
Yesterday was a little rough. Had to give myself another Imitrex injection. Putting a needle in the fatty part of my stomach isn’t really an issue anymore. I still have to breathe and give myself a countdown. The medication burns, but the medicine works quickly. The migraines come and go. I’ve been trying to document what I’m doing at the time I start to feel one coming on. I also document my pain levels throughout the day and my PT exercises. I document everything, since my short-term memory has been poor, I know I won’t forget it if it’s in my phone.
I have also gotten my walks up to 40-60 minutes. I have to wear the collar while walking, I’m not approved for any more strenuous activity than walking. I can’t do most yoga poses. There are significant limitations I have to my activity level. I have put on so much weight. It frustrates me, because the past year I was inactive due to pain and all the concussion symptoms. Now, I walk regularly, I’m out of my bed; the weight keeps on coming. I’m not eating a ton either. It’s so weird. I haven’t had a jar of frosting or a pan of brownies in like 2 weeks!
I had PT this morning and we discussed getting me back to my real life. Ha! What life? As much as I have complained about this collar, I think I might miss it. I definitely don’t want to keep wearing it, but I’ve gotten used to it. It reminds me that I need to be careful, and it lets others know not to trip me, or karate chop my neck or something. On my walk yesterday it was just as school was letting out. There was a swarm of tweens furiously riding their bikes to somewhere. I know this is ridiculous, but tweens and teenagers scare me. I’m self-conscious about the collar, because it looks like one of the ones that people wear to court and pretend to have been injured. I’m not sure if people think I’m actually hurt or if I’m faking. Walking in 90 degree weather, with sweat dripping from my neck should let people know I’m not just doing this for attention or something. I don’t know why I even care about anyone’s opinion of me.
Ok, so back today. My PT told me that I’m not approved to work until I’m completely weaned off the collar and am back driving. When I start driving again, they want me to avoid the interstate for a while, because merging into traffic on I-25 is out of control. Totally fair, and I’m glad I have that in writing so it gives me an excuse not to drive on it. I was also told that it depends on what kind of job I get, dictates how many hours I’ll be able to realistically. I was told that sitting at a computer all day wouldn’t work, because they feel that it could keep the muscles in my neck tight and I would continue to get migraines. I was told to talk to my PCP as well, to determine if I should really be working in the social work field with the concussion symptoms I’m also dealing with. I see her next week. I’m a bit overwhelmed because I have had so many specialists, different PT’s, NP’s, Dr.’s telling me what I can and cannot do. Some of those things are contradictory.
I’m going to cut this short. I’ve been trying to limit my screen time, because I have blurry vision, I get dizzy pretty much every time I stand or sit up. Then my neck strains and I can tell that I’ll get a migraine soon. This part is especially difficult for me, as we are a society that is very much technological. The phone, computer, TV, etc. hurt to be on for very long. Which limits job opportunities. If I work at a job that deals with a lot of calls, like a crisis hotline or something, I need a headset. I can’t have a regular phone since most of us hold the phone with our ear and shoulder so we can type or write at the same time.
It’s not all bad. I feel like there has been progress. I can have my daughter with me alone. I need someone to drop her off and pick her up from school to be with me. I still can’t pick her up, that’s going to be in what seems like the distant future. I see other people pick her up and I’m jealous that I can’t. She has to climb up a chair I’m sitting in, so she can be in my lap. I can still have her by myself so I’m very grateful for that. It’s not my weekend with her, I’m already trying to think about what I can do, by myself, without being able to drive…..I’m guessing not much. Staying in my house per usual.
I’m a little lost still. Sometimes I will sit at the top of me stairs and stare off into the distance trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. I’m really struggling with that. I’ve started to read daily devotionals in the morning and at night. I have “Jesus Always” and “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. There’s a little message on each page, one for each day of the year. When I have my daughter, we read the “Berenstain Bears Bedtime Devotional.” I think that this has helped to lift my spirits sometimes. It’s a nice little tradition we are starting. We used to let her watch shows up to bedtime. I’m turning things off an hour before her bedtime and we can either play, read, or take a bath and get ready for bed. It helps calm everything down. While she fake cries about not being able to watch her shows, she does seem to enjoy it and has started saying prayers on her own.
Maybe a good thing that has come out of all of this mess is helping me get reconnected in my relationship with God. I grew up in a fairly strict religion. I loved it when I was a kid. Church was rarely missed. I stopped going regularly when I was 23. I’m 33 now. I’ve been trying to kind of improve my faith, but has always had a wall built up. This wall was up because I don’t want my non-God believing friends might think I’m a Bible thumper. The struggles I’ve been through, loss of loved ones, mental health issues, physical health issues, not devoting the time for focus on God makes me feel bad. I really want to get better with that. I would love to have more trust and faith in God. I think that I am taking the time to do this now is helping me somewhat. It’s like I’m on a tightrope and I want to walk across, but I’m shaking and stuck in the middle.
I’m guessing that, yet again, my post will be a little scattered and hard to follow as I jump from topic to topic. I frequently start talking to people mid-thought and they have no idea what I’m talking about. Or I will trail off without finishing what I was saying. My mind is chaotic and I’m working on slowing down. So here’s my little update that turned into a long post.
I complain about the weight gain, but ever since I wrote about frosting and brownies I’ve been fixated on getting some. I don’t have any at home. I’m trapped here. I want chocolate. If I am going to gain weight regardless of what I do, I might as well commit and enjoy what I’m eating. I wish there was a cupcake, brownie, donut and other desserts delivery service. Can someone get on that please and thank you! XOXO