It’s 2:30am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. Why? Because my bladder hates me. For the past couple of weeks I have had a major Interstitial Cystitis (IC) flare up. To say I’m miserable is an understatement. It’s like having a raging UTI constantly, and antibiotics won’t make it go away.
I want to cry I’m so frustrated. I have cried a lot in the past few weeks. I went to my doctor yesterday and my case is a “complicated” one. Oh joy. Not only do I struggle with IC, but also Endometriosis. Yep. I am a lucky gal. It’s at the point where we need to determine which symptoms are from the IC and which are from Endometriosis.
I do all the things recommended to help with both lovely conditions. I’m on medication for both. The meds I have been taking for the IC just aren’t cutting it. I’m hesitant to look into other options, because in May the cystoscopy was supposed to help. That was a big fail. Instead my bladder ruptured. I’m not a huge fan of the urologist that did that procedure. I’m reluctant to see someone new because I’m worried they will want to do their own cystoscopy to have a look for themselves. That WILL NOT happen. No thank you. Keep your cameras out of my urethra please.
It’s hard to function sometimes when you have chronic pain. I have a high pain tolerance. When it’s chronic and frequent there are times it just pulls you down into a deep depression. Oh by the way, I have depression as well. Neat! This is fun, can you tell?
One of the things that gives me comfort with Endometriosis is that if it’s bad enough a hysterectomy is an option. I by no means want this, but there is a permanent option. I like options. Or it will get better once I hit menopause.
With IC, there isn’t a cure. You can take some meds that may or may not help, then having your bladder removed and having a permanent pee bag. So really there is the option of meds that kind of don’t do a thing. Why are bladders so essential? Crap! I would like to order a new one. Come on medical advancements!
They say there are some other things that could help to alleviate some of the IC symptoms such as; biofeedback, hypnosis, bladder training, talk therapy, physical therapy (this consists of a PT sticking their hand up your vagina and working your pelvic floor), I’ve tried all of these. Oh and acupuncture. I may be forgetting something. I’m extremely tired but can’t sleep because I feel like there is an elephant standing on my bladder and I have to pee. (I’m on the toilet as we speak). Yeah that’s gross. But it’s my life right now. I want to pee so badly. Nothing will come out. I want the relief.
Ugh! I am so frustrated. I feel like this is never going to get better. I don’t want to do this for the next 50 some years. I don’t wish this on anyone. I have some good days. I think I probably take the good ones for granted. Sometimes this is such a lonely condition to deal with. From the outside I look healthy, happy, normal. That’s the thing with a lot of people with mental health issues and a lot of medical conditions. We don’t offer our support and/or sympathy because someone doesn’t look sick. I think it’s hard for people to understand. I find this odd, since so many medical illnesses don’t make people look ill.
I would give up a lot of things and empty my bank account right this second if I could pee. I might even offer up my favorite cat, Toggle to the pee gods if they let me pee. I’ve been praying to God to let me pee. Seems like a silly prayer possibly. I don’t. This is one of my bad days. When it’s bad it’s REALLY bad, not just physically but emotionally. I am so sad and really irritable because I feel so crappy. Then it’s easier for me to snap and be snippy with my loved ones. That brings on the guilt. Oh the cycle.
I wish and pray for my own health and the health of others. I wish the IC, Endometriosis and Depression weren’t so isolating and lonely. I wish it wasn’t taboo to talk about real struggles. Life is great, but let’s be honest it is definitely less than great as well. We only seem to want to hear about the good, easy times with others. That’s just not life. It’s the good and the bad. Even if the bad makes people uncomfortable, it doesn’t make it any less real. Ignoring it just leaves it feeling that much more alone.
So along with a potty trained toddler for Christmas, I would like a new bladder. Top of the line quality bladder please. My lady bits to stop being angry, calm down and do your job without making me feel like I’m being stabbed constantly. Is that too much to ask? I think not. If it’s not under the tree, I will be checking my stocking……annnnddddd I’m spent. Hope everyone is getting some good sleep and have healthy bladders.