Once again, ACDF stands for Anterior Cervical Discectomy Fusion. The surgery will be Wed. morning at 8:30am. I get the be there at 6:30. Have I ever mentioned I’m not a morning person? This sounds like a terrible time. I will probably have to go to sleep before the fireworks so I can get an adequate number of hours of sleep. Good luck to me.
I’m trying to make sure I have everything ready for the surgery. I know I’m going to miss something. Probably something important. I’ve been asking the monster to clean her playroom and bedroom. Guess how effective this has been? It hasn’t. The answer is, it hasn’t.
While the surgery recovery will be a time-consuming process, the getting ready is tiring. My neck is in a lot of pain. I have shooting pain down the back of my right shoulder-blade. The pain goes down my right deltoid to my right hands and fingers. It also goes to my left forearm and hand. The right hand is mainly tingly and numb. The left feels like it’s on fire. The best way I can describe it is similar to the feeling when you’ve been outside in the cold for a very long time. You know when your hands start to hurt? Then you put them under warm water thinking it will help, but the pain intensifies? That feeling is how my left hand feels. But like 5 times worse. I am lucky that the pain isn’t constant.
I rate my pain as a 6. I don’t know if I have ever been at a 10 on the pain scale before. A 6 is severe, but I am clearly functioning as I’m typing and trying to get stuff done. Mainly, because I feel like I absolutely have to. I may leave it for my mom. It gives her something to do while she takes care of me sometimes. Sorry mom. Kind of.
I’m so tired. So tired of barely having any energy of getting out of bed. I’m tired of the chronic pain. I’ve tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling like I’m selfish, since I can’t really do much now. I’m tired of my stupid bladder. I’m tired of my depression. I’m tired of my neck. I’m just tired.
I guess I thought my journey of healing and documenting the herniated disc would be cathartic. Or more interesting. I’m feeling frustrated with myself and disappointed that I don’t feel like I have anything more useful to say. I want to inspire others to continue to fight when everything feels overwhelming and hopeless. I want to help others realize that they aren’t alone in their struggles. Instead, I just feel like a bump on a log. One that is sludgy and floppy. I’m hoping once I have the surgery I will feel more motivated to get back to my life and positive about my future. Currently, I want to complain and feel sorry for myself for being so miserable.
On a side note, my sweet girl decided she wanted to chop her hair off. She wanted me to do it. So…..this happened:
At least getting her hair done won’t be as much of a struggle for me. I have no idea how I’m going to get her ready the next few months. The first month she will be with her dad and both sides of grandparents. Thank goodness for family living close. I’m going to miss her. I don’t think it has hit me yet, that I won’t be able to snuggle my baby whenever I want. If I want to have a sleepover with her, I will have to have my mom pick us both up, because I can’t do it on my own. That sucks. She also thinks I’m a jungle gym and I hope after the surgery she will be gentle with me. She doesn’t seem to understand now, when I tell her how much pain mommy is in. Or she just doesn’t care. It’s a toss-up.
I’m going to attempt to clean some of my house. Then gather the strength to shower. I smell like a foot. I heard after this surgery it isn’t uncommon for people to not shower for 3-4 days. Gross. I’m guessing I won’t have many visitors because I’ll scare them all away. I am excited to lose the weight I’ve gained from not being able to be very active in many many months. Woo Hoo for small miracles.