I’m the worst patient ever. I usually am very supportive and a great caretaker for others. When it comes to me, I suck. I hate having my independence taken away from me. I hate having to rely on others to help me. I’m not good at asking for help, and I feel weak when I accept it. Being so restricted makes my depression come out in full force. I’m struggling. I’m surviving, but it’s not easy.
I’m still having some trouble with the nerve in the back of my neck. That part is rough, but it’s the only place where the pain remains. I have been getting migraines on and off. I never had them before the car accident. Like I’ve said, I can deal with most pain. I struggle when it’s constant or chronic. Migraines just through me for a loop. Never really even getting many headaches I’m at a complete loss of how to deal with it. They make me nauseous or throw up. I have no idea how people survive migraines.
I’m bored. Have I said that before? Get used to that complaints because it will be happening a lot in the next several weeks. I’m stressed about money because I haven’t been able to work in a long time and won’t be able to work for who knows how long.
This weight gain hasn’t been a basket of roses for me. The least benefit I could get from this crap is some weight loss, not even more weight gain. I’ve been walking almost every day. Sometimes more than once. In the heat! With sweat dripping down the front and back of my neck brace. Maybe I can freeze the brace, then put it on. They need an ice pack neck brace.
I keep over doing it. Then I regret it the neck day. I’m so impatient. I want to get better right this second. I had my last art therapy group last night. It was only for 2 1/2 hours, but my body was exhausted. My head felt like a million pounds, and I thought my neck would snap any second. Seriously? Just sitting exhausts me.
Then, because I am not a quick learner, I was extra active today. I was organizing my daughter’s room. I was sorting clothes with my mom, of what to keep, what to try to sell and what to donate. Such simple things make my body ache and hurt.
I recently started a podcast with one of my best friends. We talk about anything and everything and we have been having so much fun. While we were recording tonight, I guess even with the brace on I was at a weird angle and almost passed out. It was such a weird experience. I got all in my head, got the colored spots in my eyes, felt like I was struggling to breathe, and a weird sinking feeling like I was being choked. It was bizarre and scared me a bit. It’s probably my body telling me not to go to hard.
There is also this weird swollen area neck to my scar on my hip. Like not the normal healing from stitches. Not complaining, just weird. I’m exhausted. I wonder how long it really takes for me to be back to 100%. Will I ever be back to 100%? My surgeon told me I would have tissue, ligament or something like that, damage for a very long time from the whiplash. That is no joke. Some might not think what I went through in what might be described as a mild car accident, has really done to me. It has really impacted every area of my life.
I wish I could be positive and inspirational in some way. I bet even the most inspirational people have these crappy mindsets, they just don’t publicize it. Once again, this is real. I’ve had some tears today. Not a ton, but feeling sorry for myself tears because I’m already sick of all the restrictions. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore. It’s hard to find the motivation to look into other career paths, and at times I don’t even care.
I’m rambling as always. I have a roof over my head. I have a precious daughter with such a tender heart. I have 4 cats that sense that I’m struggling and are being all cute and snuggly. As much as I hate asking for help, my mom have been incredible taking care of me night and day. She’s brought me down to spend the night so I could have my daughter on my days. And she’s been up to my house to take her to school and let me see her. I love my mom dearly, but she bugs the crap out of me sometimes. My mom is really an amazing woman though. I couldn’t get through this without her. She hasn’t complained. She’s making me feel loved and treasured and I’m beyond lucky to have my mom as mine. We fight sometimes because we are so similar, but we love the hell out of each other. If you read this mommy, thank you for being you and loving me enough to help me through the hell I’m trying to get through.
I’m sleepy and sore. Getting to the sleepy point where everything I’m typing is getting blurry. I hope you all have amazing sleeps, sweet dreams, and all the brownies in the world. If you do have brownies please send some my way please and thank you. XOXO