Today Can Go Fuck Itself

This is such a roller coaster. I am typing this as I’m sobbing hoping that by getting this out I will feel better afterwards. I’m just feeling awful today. I’m not even sure why. I took my psych meds as prescribed. I ate breakfast. I already got a bit of sunshine. Drank water. My mom stopped by for a bit. Like, obviously, I’m bored, lonely, frustrated and in some pain, but I don’t think the way I’m feeling right now is related to that.

My chest feels tight. I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I don’t know what’s wrong, so I don’t know how to fix it. I’m stressed about my future. Instead of completely focusing on my recovery, I’m looking for jobs, but I’m not sure when I’ll be cleared to drive. I’ve seen several job postings requiring you to be bilingual and be able to lift 40+ lbs. So that’s a solid no for those. Then there are jobs for Master Degrees that pay $12 – $13/hr. I’m not trying to complain, but really? For a Master’s Degree you’ll pay me to do extremely difficult, exhausting work, while paying me an amount that I couldn’t even afford rent, be able to provide for myself, let alone, my child.

I just want my mommy and to be a kid again. Then I don’t want my mommy and I want snuggles from my kid. I want to be around people and alone all at the same time. Pain and Mental Illness are no joke. Why are they so stigmatized and dismissed? I know for a fact I’m not alone by a long shot in the way I’m feeling. We need to fucking talk about these issues because they are very real, very serious and can be very damaging. Has anyone else noticed that lately we see almost weekly that a famous person suicides? Think of how many there are that there will never be a story about.

If we don’t start talking about the issues and addressing them, then there will be more suicides. I guarantee you. I’m NOT suicidal currently. I do NOT have access to weapons. I have already reached out to one of my best friends. Just wanted to clarify that. But feeling this way makes me terrified to reach out to people, because we are trained to ignore real feelings. Or people get freaked out and overreact when someone does say they are suicidal. I’ve worked in the Mental Health field for around 10 years. At least 5 of those years where with the chronically, mentally ill. So I dealt with suicidal/homicidal people constantly. I also volunteer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP).

This post may make some of you uncomfortable. I don’t care. I am not afraid to talk about it. We need to talk about it. I’m not weak because I struggle. I’m not weak because sometimes I do get suicidal. Whether they are fleeting thoughts or chronic thoughts, there is a significant difference between actively suicidal and passively suicidal. Active means you are planning to attempt to kill yourself and have a means to follow through. Passively suicidal thoughts are just that, thoughts. More of the “gosh, I wish I was dead now” or feeling like you don’t have a purpose on the earth feeling. We all through it around so easily. I’m sure everyone who reads this, has said at least once, that they would rather die than pick up dog poop, jump out of an airplane, or something similar. There is no weight behind saying that. Also, if someone is feeling helpless, and hopeless those are both words that can be taken as actively or passively suicidal. Take the words seriously, by asking them if they have thought about how they would ever kill themselves. (This will NOT make a person become more suicidal). If they have a plan ask it. If it’s something ridiculous like I’m going to the golden gate bridge and jump off; but they have no license, no car, no money for an airplane ticket; chances are they are struggling, want help and want to be cared about.

When people really talk about thinking about it, people freak out. Want to know what actually helps in that situation? Don’t panic. Don’t overreact. Don’t tell the suicidal person that they should be lucky or grateful because they have; blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t help. Usually, a person just wants someone, a loved one, sometimes anyone to just listen. Don’t try to fix it. Just listen. A 15-20 minute talk helps them through that crisis period. In most cases it will prevent the person from acting on their plan if they had one. Or they no longer feel suicidal. Most of the time when people say they want to die, including myself, just means I feel so lost, and I’m so scared of my future and about being a burden on anyone.

Sorry for this super long rant. No I will not be editing this one either. I’ve actually stopped sobbing, still crying a bit. And my cat jumped up on the bed next to me because animals sense those things. We really should be more like animals, sense when someone is struggling and just be there. No talking. Just a support. A comfort. DON’T tell a person what they “SHOULD” be doing to get out of feeling that way. Trust me, it doesn’t work. At all. Don’t judge. You aren’t in their heads. Sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone and the only person struggling can be very refreshing. Knowing that other people think like you makes you feel less isolated.

Again, I want to clarify that I am NOT suicidal. I have NO intentions of harming myself. I do NOT have access to weapons. And I do have a support system. Writing is one of my coping skills and I was feeling really horrible so I thought getting it all out would make me feel better and I really do feel better. I’m still feeling kind of blah, but that’s better than awful. I talked about suicide because I know about it from personal and professional experience and have extensive experience working with people in crisis. I thought I’d explain some of those things so that maybe a couple of people will understand the topic a little better.

If you are feeling suicidal you should call 911, or go to your nearest emergency room. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is (1.800.273.8255). There is someone there to speak with 24/7. They are trained to help those that are suicidal, loved ones not knowing what to do for a suicidal person. These are important numbers and make a big difference. The number for Colorado’s Crisis Line is (1.844.493.8255). There are suicide, rape, abuse, etc. hotlines all over the country, in every state. They all usually have national numbers as well and can transfer you to the specific services you are looking for. There is help out there. I know it isn’t easy to ask. I HATE relying on others.

I’m safe. The tears have stopped. Venting helps. I don’t need anything currently. I’m going to try to take a shower and make my neck less stinky. And my armpits. It has been hot here lately. I was just starting to apologize for talking about such a depressing topic and then I stopped myself. There is nothing for me to be sorry of or ashamed for. Sometimes life is too serious and the issues need to be addressed, no deflected and ignored. I hope you all are healthy, happy and safe. Tomorrow I promise to have a more uplifting post. Thanks for reading, and if no one reads this, thank you computer for being an outlet to get all the yuck out of me for right now. XOXO

3 responses to “Today Can Go Fuck Itself

  1. Sending you love, I hope tomorrow is a better day. x

  2. Aww, it will be better. I understand. It’s overwhelming. Just focus on recovery and your points are all valid.