I have been complaining about my weight for a while. Since my accident in Sept. 2016, my ability to be active has been reduced to almost nothing. So I expected some of the weight, but I was surprised that I put on20 lbs.
I ate an entire jar of chocolate frosting, all by myself in 2 days. Then I wonder why I’m still gaining weight? Astonishing right? I guess I’m not always known for making the most stellar choices.
I will say that the frosting was very delicious. I felt some what proud of myself, but then became somewhat disgusted. It’s kind of toss-up. I promised you all a positive or at least a happier post than I did yesterday.
Today there were still tears. But, I got to go to Target today! Even if you aren’t in physical or mental pain; Target is amazing. It’s so fun. I could live there. I could marry it. People do marry objects, that is a thing. A weird thing. But it’s still a thing.
Getting out of the house was incredible! I’m not kidding. Hot as hell out there, but worth the dripping neck sweat. I mean, I don’t know if that’s completely accurate, because it is gross liquid dripping down your skin and the neck brace traps it there. So take the good with the bad?
My arms and shoulder-blade still feel pain-free. Do you know what it’s like to have something hurt, sharp pains, achy, throbbing, constant pain? Then one day it’s gone. The surgeon said it could take a lot time for the nerve stuff to work itself out, but instant relief in my hands, arms, and shoulder-blade. One humongous thing to be grateful for.
The nerve in my neck still hurts, pretty badly. It’s the same nerve that was hurting even before my arms started hurting and going numb. I heard that it could take up to 3 times as many months for nerves to heal for each month you were in pain. So looks like I could struggle with the residual neck nerve pain for 30-ish months.
Who knows, maybe I’ll heal more quickly? The surgeon also told me that I may never get rid of the pain fully. There has also been damage from the whiplash, which could be permanent as well. Whiplash is no joke. Insurance companies will tell you it can’t be that bad. It doesn’t even take that big of an impact to get serious injuries.
While the collision wasn’t massive and cars rolled down hills or anything, it was impactful enough that I am dealing with brain issues, personality changes, increased depression, suicidal thoughts, vestibular issues (trouble with my balance, inner ear thing), My eye sight is perfect, but they did tell me I needed glasses because my eyes don’t work together and they weren’t tracking like they should be. Then the herniated disc and all that comes along with it. I know insurance companies don’t want to pay anything for any reason and try to down play the situations.
If anyone who reads this is an insurance agent, I understand you have a job, but the people who need help, for the most part, really need the help. My world got turned upside down. One day it will all be over…..but maybe never back to the way I was before the accident.
But for today, my mom took me to target and I was thrilled to get out of the house. Then we picked up my daughter from preschool. She made us dinner and then we are having a Grammy, Mommy, Daughter sleepover. So that is better than I thought it would be. I honestly thought before the surgery; that no driving for a whole month meant I couldn’t keep her, since there is no way for me to pick her up or drop her off.
I’m a little nervous once I can drive again and the neck brace is off. I will still have a lot of restrictions, but won’t be obvious. My daughter can’t wait for my neck to heal so I can “do somersaults” with her. It’s really cute and warms my heart that she is excited for me to get better. Some days are better than others.
Today has been one of my best days since the surgery. My neck really does hurt pretty badly. I know I should be more thankful, I am thankful for the progress I have made. I also have reservations about my future.
I guess with the physical recovery and going through my divorce and all these life changes it gives me a chance to really get to know me. Learn who I really am. Figure out what I love. What I want to spend my time doing. Figure out that my future is 100% my own. Stop trying to please my family, my friends, my soon to be ex-husband (he is really a good guy, we just weren’t right for each other). While I am beyond stressed about my financial situation and not working currently, this can be my fresh start.
My life is going to look different from what I envisioned. Maybe that’s a bad thing, but maybe it’s good. I can do what I want. I get to choose my direction in life. I can’t control my brain and the depression that I know will NEVER go away, just be contained well sometimes. That I can’t always control my body, or people getting into car accidents with me. For now I can explore what is going to make me happy. If there is any way I can actually be truly happy?
That is something I do have. That is something that other’s can have their opinions on, but that’s on them. I’m a grown ass woman. I will heal, hopefully I will get back to 100%. I want my life back, not my old one. I want a life that makes me feel the best that I’m capable of feeling. I want a simple life, but a good one. I want my time on this earth to be meaningful. I want to help people, but I want to help people without the restrictions of society. I am a bit narcissistic, and when it comes to Mental Health, I absolutely know what I’m talking about. I just need to figure out which path I need to take this time.
So once again I’ve chattered on and on. My thoughts aren’t always linear, but they make sense in my head. I will find my purpose again. I want to start my own foundation that has to do with mental health. I’ve been in too much pain to focus on that. I also don’t know where to begin. Then I get stuck. Then I get even more depressed. I also love to write. I know my posts aren’t always clear and the grammar is less than stellar. I would love to write a book on mental health, giving the perspective from both view points, the woman with mental health somewhat expertise and from my own mental illness.
Or maybe want to write like a how to on how to write a good psych evaluations. Those were my favorite. Or an educational class or something for professionals, like Dr.’s, ER staff, even therapists, to really understand mental illness. I’ve seen it myself on so many occasions of working with clients in the ER because they were suicidal, psychotic, being manipulative. Whatever reason they came in the staff tended to give them the worst care (in MY experience) however, in my experiences it’s been the same shitty treatment in numerous hospitals I’ve conducted evals in. We need more compassion. Mental illness at times can be just as much of a crisis as “regular” ER patients.
I had a lot more to say than I thought. Even if this is just for me. I love writing. It helps me to get my thoughts out, to complain, to express my frustrations with how fucked up our world is. Our world is unfair, I obviously know life is unfair (sarcastic tone), but there is a lot of bullshit that could be solved if people acknowledged and accepted that individual illness are very real. Chronic pain, depression, anything and everything in between deserves just as much recognition, compassion and help as someone who is bleeding profusely from their stomach. I’m not wrong.
I bid you all a farewell for tonight. I hope we all can have a little more compassion every day. Thanks whoever is out there reading. Tikeetha, I know you read my ramblings. Thank you. Thank you for your positive posts. Thank you for just being a genuinely kind soul. Her awesome blog is way more interesting than mine. Check out her blog, it’s amazing! Wishing you all happy snoozes, lovely dreams, some frosting, and no pain! XOXO