I’m pretty awesome. Even with the extreme body issues and depression, I sometimes feel empowered, fearless and fierce. Other days I don’t feel as awesome. I get paranoid that people don’t like me. That everyone I love will leave me. That I’m an absolute failure. Sometimes I think I have this amazing purpose to help change the world, and it can flip like a coin where I feel that I’ll amount to nothing and make the world a worse place. That is terrifying. I’m worried that I’m a bad mother because I struggle with my depression. I don’t want her to resent me in the future. For today, I just want to tell you some random things about myself. I’m hoping it will make me feel silly and fun.
1) I am deathly afraid of snakes. Big ones, small ones, they freak me out. Like I’m so terribly afraid of them that every single time I go to the bathroom I have to inspect the toilet to make sure there are no slithering bastards waiting to bite my butt. I’m not even joking. I will turn on the light in the middle of the night, just to be sure. It’s a thing you know. I’ve seen pictures on the interwebs.
2) I enjoy sad movies (stupid because I have horrible depression, right?). I love watching documentaries that make you think and see the real, raw parts of things. We hide from the bad. We are afraid of it. People think I’m a masochist because I work in a profession where there is so much negativity, I love being in my bed with the drapes shut. They all make me cry. Sometimes they make me enraged.
I like it because it’s real. I like it because it lights a fire under my ass to want to make the world a better place. It actually inspires me. When I doubt my abilities to really make a difference it’s because people in my life put me down. “You can’t help everyone, Mergen.” “You can’t change the world.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re grandiose.” When they tell me those things, then I begin to doubt my abilities to actually make a real change.
While that is a fear, why do I care about the naysayers? I CAN make a difference. I WILL make a difference. There is not much that I feel confident about, but I am damn good with people. I am a born empath, born with a tender heart. In this world, I think there needs to be more “delusional people wanting to change the world” around here. Not more of the cold, selfish, power-hungry people. While I do cry at everything, and while my heart hurts for everyone and all the injustices in this world, I would rather be just as I am than the heartless souls out there. I AM good enough. I AM strong. And I AM fierce. I need to remember that more often.
3) My mind is a hot mess. I’ve got racing thoughts constantly. I have so many interests and I’m very creative and intelligent. What I struggle with is putting my thoughts into action. I have brilliant ideas actually, some silly and fun things, some creative, and some that I believe can really make a positive impact with prison reform and mental illness. Now if I can just pull it together enough to put these ideas into action; I’ll be all set.
4) I have jumped out of an airplane 606 times. I used to love it! Then I lost some loved ones to the sport, then I had my daughter. Priorities change one you have a child, even on our worst days I choose her over my best days skydiving.
5) I have 4 cats. No regrets there. None.
6) I still sleep with my ratty old baby blanket, and brought it with me to the hospital with my ACDF surgery. I think I wrote about that when I was in the hospital, but my brain was all foggy.
7) I have so many dreams I can’t keep it straight. I would LOVE to someday own acreage, an old farm-house, and a rustic barn. I could have a pumpkin patch in the fall and a little farm stand in the summer. I have a total black thumb, so there does need to be some research and practice ahead of time. While living on the farm I will also be a writer. I want to write short silly stories, and then maybe some how to books regarding mental health and suicide. Like how to write a good mental health evaluation. Or suggestions on how to deal with someone struggling with suicide, suicidal thoughts. Short manuals, I don’t think I have the attention span to write a long book. As evidenced by my chaotic writing style on here.
8) My daughter is almost 4. She is one of my largest frustrations, but the most incredible part of my life. I love being her mommy. Her temper tantrums really, REALLY test my patience (which I don’t have an abundance of) she always steals my heart with a huggy, a kissy, or when she is fast asleep.
9) I have 11 tattoos. I definitely plan on getting more when I get some moolah. I have had 13 surgeries including wisdom teeth.
10) I am extremely allergic to shellfish. How did I find out you ask? Here’s the little story. So, for anyone following my blog, you will know I am a life long vegetarian, for those that don’t understand vegetarianism, we do NOT eat seafood either.
Last summer we went to a restaurant where they prepare your food on one big grill in front of you? Well, we went there one night when it wasn’t busy and there were only 2 other people there. Long story short, I felt weird when I was eating my non-meat, 100% vegetarian meal. My lips started to feel stingy, my throat felt a bit weird, so I went home. By the time I was home, my lip looked like I had some overdone fillers. I was NOT cute. At least I know what my lips will look like if I ever wanted to have a ‘lil something something done. I took some Benadryl and went to bed. I broke out into hives as well a few times over the summer, that I just blamed on stress because my husband and I decided to divorce.
I finally got into see an allergist. I told him the only thing that I could think of other than stress was that at the restaurant someone had some lobster with their food. The Dr. said the chances of cross contamination was very minimal. Guess who was wrong? It sure wasn’t me. I have a shellfish allergy. A bad one. Who knew. Good and random that that’s how I found out.
Yet again, what I thought would be a short post, turned into another ramble. I think the posts will get shorter once I have some freedom. Who knows. I think I’m going to take a shower and go for a walk. Need that exercise.
Thanks for reading! XOXO