I thought I would be more consistent documenting my recover process. I don’t think I’ve accomplished that. Or maybe I have been updating in a round about way. My head is so scattered. With the parenting schedule being mixed up, the surgery daze and the meds still in my system I swear I don’t feel like I truly exist. I don’t remember the date, day of the week. It annoys me.
Currently, my gorgeous cat, Toggle, is sitting just behind my computer screen giving me good kitty moon eyes. All 4 cats are in my room, helping me feel less alone. I’m watching Gypsy on Netflix and am beyond confused, so if anyone else watches it, feel free to explain it to me. Seriously.
Once again, the pain in both arms, hands and shoulder-blade feels perfect. They told me nerves can take FOREVER to heal, and to have the relief from them immediately is hard for me to wrap around my head. I expected to have a longer recovery in that area. I also thought I’d have more relief in my neck by now. Shooting, stabbing, sharp, devil pain.
The back on my neck, on the nerve, that hurt prior to the surgery is still bothering me. Like physical/emotional wreck. I cry constantly. I’m irritable. I’m lonely. I’m bored. I don’t have an appetite, then when I do feel hungry I binge on sugar. Not just a treat or two, like a pan of brownies that I melted marshmallows on top of, or a whole row of birthday cake for breakfast. I’m fairly intelligent, but can’t seem to figure out how to lose my extra weight. Sugar is my drug of choice.
I have my first follow-up appointment with my surgeon on Monday. I’ll have an X-ray first, then see the Dr. Fingers crossed I get approval to drive! On the driving note I am nervous to drive in traffic. If I can’t bend, lift or twist; how on earth am I going to be able to look over my shoulder to merge. I’m going to be the car that is pissing everyone off because I can’t see well. Or with my luck I’ll have someone else hit me.
None of this makes sense! I need an adult. Also, completely unrelated, but for divorced parents, does it ever get easier on the days when your child is with the other parent? I saw my daughter every single day for 2 1/2 years, with the exception of 1 night, not of my choosing. I had emergency surgery. Then when my co-parent moved out, I didn’t get to see her every day anymore.
She just turned 4. We all went to breakfast as a family and even though it was “his” night with her, I got to have a sleepover with her at my parents. He is an amazing dad. I can not stress that enough. Even with us being so cordial, I miss the hell out of my kid. I think when you have a surgery/depression/chronic pain/mental illness/ etc. Whatever major thing impacting your life anyway, when you are sad and away from your child(ren) it aches. It physically hurts. I miss her.
I see her even less since the surgery and I know insurance won’t see it this way, but I feel I deserve a large sum of money for every extra moment I’ve missed with my little girl because of my injuries. I shouldn’t have to pour my heart out on my stupid blog and cry because I miss my baby. Life can be amazing at times, the other ones are absolute shit.
I hope the sharp pain in my neck goes away, and that it’s just like they said that sometimes nerves take forever to heal. If this is the best it’s going to get I will most definitely continue to be cynical and snarky.
The other day I had a meltdown, shocking I know. I’m getting so frustrated with the neck pain. I told my mom that I wish for 1 day, then changed to 1 month, then I decided I want 1 year. I want 1 year without someone I love dying. I want 1 year without suicidal thoughts. 1 year without a divorce (likely won’t happen), 1 year without a surgery. Just ONE mother fucking year of a break. I don’t even need a good life. I’m just tired of the “when it rains, it pours” shit I keep going through. My family jokes that if something could go wrong, it would (of course) happen to me. I’ve also joked with my family that if I wrote a bibliography, everyone would think it was made up.
Once I feel a little, or a lot, better I’m going to be a warrior. I’m going to continue to fight my battle with depression. I will continue to fight my pain. I will continue to do it, even when it makes me want to quit, run, hide and just go away. I will not lose my battle with depression. I’m not going to be a warrior, I AM one. Because I keep doing this. I’m honest about it. I’m not one of those people who people say, “oh she goes through so much and never complains, or is always positive.” I don’t know if that would be honest of anyone. I’m broken, but my brokenness can become a beautiful mosaic, I just don’t have all my pieces yet or the design down. There’s time to get it figured out.