Somber Sunday

I took this week off on writing. I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions. I started PT Tuesday morning, then I remained home with my daughter because she wasn’t feeling well. My mom has been running around like a chicken with her head cut off, helping me, my daughter, my sister and her kids, helping my dad work on a home renovation and she doesn’t feel well on top of that.

I once again tell everyone I’m fine because I don’t want to be a burden. They say I’m not, but that is how I feel. It was basically me and my daughter for 3 days by ourselves. On a positive note, I got to spend some alone time with my darling little girl. On the negative side, she was coughing so hard she threw up. Several times. I throw up as well, but not from coughing.

The longer I can’t drive, the longer I feel horrible for friends and family. I’m going on week 6 post-op and it feels like too much to just ask for help. Finally, on Thursday after 3 days of her feeling horrible I needed to take her to the Dr. I called her PCP but they couldn’t get her in, so I decided I’d take her to urgent care at Children’s. I called my father in law to help me. Rich was out of town on business. My mother has already helped me so much. His mom had a major surgery a couple of months before mine. Anyway, she had to go potty. I had to ask my Father in Law to pick her up and put her on the seat because I physically can’t and it’s against Dr’s orders.

Do you know how heartbreaking it feels to have a sick daughter and she’s not getting better, but have no  way to get her treatment? When she just wants her mommy to pick her up and I physically can’t. Do you know how shitty this makes you feel as a mom? This injury has taken so much from me. I know to I should look at the positive and one day I will be able to find alternative ways to do things. Isn’t it weird how to good times speed by, and the bad times seem to drag on? Why can’t it be reversed? Our monkey had to go back to Children’s yesterday. 2 Days after already being there. She was acting like she had a uti. It was awful. Poor girl was just miserable. She refused a popsicle from the Dr. and sour patch kids that I had in my bag in hopes we would get to play at the park.

This process is not ideal. I am just so tired. My head still feels like it’s carrying a bowling ball on a toothpick about to snap. My self-esteem is really special currently. Neck braces and collars are really in this time of year. Especially if you have a round or square face. I’ve heard the chubby cheek look goes with everything. I know it has really put a pep in my step knowing I’m going into public looking my very best!!

My scars are healing well. So that’s a positive. I haven’t been able to have tons of screen time because the migraines are becoming more frequent. I put my first needle ever into my stomach this week, and my second. Sumatriptan, for the migraines. That was another highlight of my week! The neck pain and migraines are such a fantastic treat to my life. It’s been what I’ve been searching for my whole life (thick sarcasm, if you haven’t picked up on that).

Before the car accident, I NEVER got migraines, I barely got headaches. These wreck me. Go into my eyes and make me throw up so easily.

There is a strong part of me, being wrapped in pain, anger, frustration, depression squeezing the living daylights out of me. Once I’m cleared to drive, I’m going on a long ass drive. I don’t even care to where! I am going to get in great shape and lose the 20lbs I’ve gained.

Right now, I’m just a hot mess. I cry constantly. It’s starting to feel like Groundhog’s day. Except in my version I have a lot of physical pain and tons of restrictions. This is that back and forth I’m talking about. Part of me wants to make this situation stronger and fierce, the other part of me wants to be taken care of.

Before I leave you all, want to know something I read? Who knows what all I’ve written since the surgery, it’s such a blur. 1 in 5 people who have an ACDF surgery get PTSD? And apparently you can get PTSD from any surgery or the anesthesia or something. I’m tired of my blog being full of so much negativity, that’s where my head is at now. I’m so tired of restrictions, I’m so tired of depression, tired of pain, tired of being a burden. So tired. So I don’t know how much I’ll be writing here. I don’t even know how many or if anyone reads this. It’s helpful for me to get things out and it’s faster than pen writing. I guess it doesn’t have to be public, but I am making it that way. My head is all over the place, that’s not new. The rambling, I think partially has to do with boredom and loneliness. At least my situation is temporary, hopefully.

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