Thankful Thursdays #8

This Thursday I’m so thankful for my co-workers who have my back and check in on me after a rough day. I hit the jackpot when it comes to co-workers. They make it easier to handle a difficult job. They make it worth it to come back to work every week. So I’m just soooo grateful for that.

Since it’s Christmas Eve I am stoked to be spending the afternoon and evening with my side of the family. I love being around them, even if we are dysfunctional at times….or a lot. I love tradition and for the majority of my life my family celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve. Then we might spend Christmas day with extended family if they were close.

With a toddler it is hard to clean the house. Plus I don’t like chores. But I think I have the house ready for my family.

(PC: The Berry)

 This is me. Not just during the holidays, pretty much whenever my family comes over because they are all into having spotless houses. I am not. Clutter is my friend. My house feels lived in. I am thankful that I can have my house decorated and as put together as I like or how much time I want to spend cleaning my house.

(PC: The Berry)

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas! I hope it is filled with good company, enough food, a warm place to stay, and much happiness! I am also happy that Christmas time is a great reminder that Jesus was born. It’s not about the gifts or trivial things; it’s about family and remembering that this holiday is to celebrate Jesus’ birth. I’m glad I didn’t have to give birth to my daughter in a stable. I wouldn’t have survived that I think!

Ok truly wishing you are a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Thankful Thursdays #7

Yep, that’s my hair. I donated about 10 inches. In total we cut off 11 inches, possibly 12. That’s a lot of hair. I needed a cut badly. My hair is super thick and if people are envious, don’t be. It’s heavy and so hard to manage. However, I shouldn’t even be complaining because I do have hair.

I’m thankful that I have the ability to donate my hair to little girls or women who have lost theirs. This is my 4th or 5th donation. So today’s thankful list is short. I am so glad that my annoyingly thick hair will hopefully benefit someone else in the near future. I’m grateful that I have hair and I’m able to get mine done pretty.

And that’s a selfie. I don’t take a lot of those. The end product. I love it, but I’m also getting used to it and am scared that I look like a boy. Yay for irrational thoughts. Also, if you live in the Denver area or are close to the north Denver area, I get my hair done at Salon Toujours Belle. Alaina Niblett does mine, check her out if you’re in the area or her FB page; Hair By Alaina.

Can Someone PLEASE Get Me a New Bladder?

I really really hate IC (Interstitial Cystitis) if anyone reading this suffers from this, I am so SO sorry. Once again, I have been up for the majority of the night because I feel like I need to pee. I can’t.

My Dr. put me on a new med to try to alleviate the symptoms of IC on Wednesday. I don’t know if it is the change in medications or if I”m still in a flare up. Regardless, I am feeling pretty low both physically and emotionally.

I am calling into work sick….yet AGAIN! I love my job. I really do. It is stressful, frustrating, sad, intense; but I love the actual work I do and the mental health team I’m privileged to work with. So sorry lovely co-worker I am abandoning you again. I only work part-time. So including me, there are 3.5 mental health workers to tend to 500 inmates. This past year I have missed more work than I ever have in my life. And this is a job that I want to be at!

It’s too early to call any of my doctors. Believe me, the second they open I will be begging to be seen. I’ve been thinking a lot since I’m awake and miserable and I would seriously give up most things in my life to feel healthy or even less miserable. I was talking with my husband this weekend and we saw that the powerball is at $180 million. I was telling him that even if we won that money, it wouldn’t cure my IC, Endo or Depression. I told him that I would give that amount away if I did have it, just to get some relief. I don’t think that is in my near future.

I need sleep. I want to sleep. More than that, I really need to pee. Please come out. My bladder feels heavy, or something does. I feel like my insides are falling out. Literally. There is this pull and it makes me feel like I have to pee immediately, pretty much all the time.

I’ve been doing additional research on IC to see if there are any options that I haven’t tried that could possibly help me. During my research it looks like the average person pees about 7 times a day! Ha! On a good day I’m between 30-40 on my worst day it’s upwards of close to 100. I’m serious. How can anyone be productive when they go to the bathroom that often? It’s not a quick pee either. Especially if I’m having a flare up because I constantly feel like I have to go and only get a couple of drops out.

I don’t want to quit my job, but I’ve been tossing that around lately because it’s just not fair to my co-workers to miss this much work. I love seeing them, but I can’t function. Feeling guilty on top of that for missing work doesn’t serve me. It just adds more stress and guilt that I really don’t need or want to think about. Maybe there is something I can do from home for awhile until we get my symptoms under control. I really hate that. Just thinking about quitting my job is making me so sad. I don’t think that too many people find work they truly enjoy. The environment sucks sometimes, actually quite a bit. But like I said, the work I do is perfect for me. And I’m good at my job.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that is making my head so confused about what to do in the job department. I do know that I can’t function like this. My quality of life right now is extremely poor. I believe that I’m tough, currently I don’t feel tough. I’m scared that this will never get better. Honestly, I’m not super optimistic about it improving. All I want to do is pee. Since that isn’t happening, I want to hold my vagina so it feels like I’m getting some comfort. However, holding your vagina isn’t very public friendly. Absolutely inappropriate when working at a jail.

I wonder if cutting off the lower portion of my body would help? If they cut off everything vagina and below would I still feel these gross symptoms? Maybe that is worth checking out? Can you see how desperate I am? Also, possibly extremely tired is making me think irrational thoughts. The longer these symptoms last, the better the irrational thoughts are sounding.

I brought a pillow with me to the bathroom so I could try and rest my head while I was trying to pee. Not comfortable folks. Then my kitty jumped up on the pillow and started purring. So sweet to comfort me. I read somewhere that a cats purr can help heal some medical issues as well as depression and anxiety. His purring did not cure or help my IC. I want a refund! Give me a cat that has magical purrs that can help me. Is there anyone or anything that can help? However IC came to exist pisses me off. If there is a vaccine for it, I need it. Maybe I should invent something to relieve the symptoms since there doesn’t seem to be anything useful.

Thankful Thursday #6

(PC: The Berry)

I am thankful for my bed. I may have written about my bed before, but I am really thankful for it. It’s so comfy. It’s especially nice to have a comfy bed when I’m not feeling my best. So, if you read my post from very early this morning. I didn’t end up going to bed until after 4am. With a toddler there isn’t much hope that I’ll get to sleep in after that. But I did! I put on Mickey Mouse Christmas and got some much needed sleep.

I guess I am also thankful for Mickey Mouse Christmas for keeping my kid entertained so I could sleep. Also, indoor plumbing. So thankful for indoor plumbing. What did women do when they had bladder infections before they had a bathroom in their house? Can you imagine having a bladder infection and having to use an outhouse? Eww!!! I bet using an outhouse didn’t speed along the healing process from an infection and probably made it worse.

So while it may not be a long list that I’m thankful for today, they are both important to me. I am feeling slightly better than I was from my earlier post. We were able to go to Hobby Lobby and get some stuff to decorate some ornaments later. I wanted to go yesterday but I felt too sick. Having the energy to go to the store was quite an ordeal for me. Sometimes it takes all my energy to just get out of bed. But like I said, I really really like my bed!

(PC: The Berry)

More Pee Problems

It’s 2:30am and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. Why? Because my bladder hates me. For the past couple of weeks I have had a major Interstitial Cystitis (IC) flare up. To say I’m miserable is an understatement. It’s like having a raging UTI constantly, and antibiotics won’t make it go away.

I want to cry I’m so frustrated. I have cried a lot in the past few weeks. I went to my doctor yesterday and my case is a “complicated” one. Oh joy. Not only do I struggle with IC, but also Endometriosis. Yep. I am a lucky gal. It’s at the point where we need to determine which symptoms are from the IC and which are from Endometriosis.

I do all the things recommended to help with both lovely conditions. I’m on medication for both. The meds I have been taking for the IC just aren’t cutting it. I’m hesitant to look into other options, because in May the cystoscopy was supposed to help. That was a big fail. Instead my bladder ruptured. I’m not a huge fan of the urologist that did that procedure. I’m reluctant to see someone new because I’m worried they will want to do their own cystoscopy to have a look for themselves. That WILL NOT happen. No thank you. Keep your cameras out of my urethra please.

It’s hard to function sometimes when you have chronic pain. I have a high pain tolerance. When it’s chronic and frequent there are times it just pulls you down into a deep depression. Oh by the way, I have depression as well. Neat! This is fun, can you tell?

One of the things that gives me comfort with Endometriosis is that if it’s bad enough a hysterectomy is an option. I by no means want this, but there is a permanent option. I like options. Or it will get better once I hit menopause.

With IC, there isn’t a cure. You can take some meds that may or may not help, then having your bladder removed and having a permanent pee bag. So really there is the option of meds that kind of don’t do a thing. Why are bladders so essential? Crap! I would like to order a new one. Come on medical advancements!

They say there are some other things that could help to alleviate some of the IC symptoms such as; biofeedback, hypnosis, bladder training, talk therapy, physical therapy (this consists of a PT sticking their hand up your vagina and working your pelvic floor), I’ve tried all of these. Oh and acupuncture. I may be forgetting something. I’m extremely tired but can’t sleep because I feel like there is an elephant standing on my bladder and I have to pee. (I’m on the toilet as we speak). Yeah that’s gross. But it’s my life right now. I want to pee so badly. Nothing will come out. I want the relief.

Ugh! I am so frustrated. I feel like this is never going to get better. I don’t want to do this for the next 50 some years. I don’t wish this on anyone. I have some good days. I think I probably take the good ones for granted. Sometimes this is such a lonely condition to deal with. From the outside I look healthy, happy, normal. That’s the thing with a lot of people with mental health issues and a lot of medical conditions. We don’t offer our support and/or sympathy because someone doesn’t look sick. I think it’s hard for people to understand. I find this odd, since so many medical illnesses don’t make people look ill.

I would give up a lot of things and empty my bank account right this second if I could pee. I might even offer up my favorite cat, Toggle to the pee gods if they let me pee. I’ve been praying to God to let me pee. Seems like a silly prayer possibly. I don’t. This is one of my bad days. When it’s bad it’s REALLY bad, not just physically but emotionally. I am so sad and really irritable because I feel so crappy. Then it’s easier for me to snap and be snippy with my loved ones. That brings on the guilt. Oh the cycle.

I wish and pray for my own health and the health of others. I wish the IC, Endometriosis and Depression weren’t so isolating and lonely. I wish it wasn’t taboo to talk about real struggles. Life is great, but let’s be honest it is definitely less than great as well. We only seem to want to hear about the good, easy times with others. That’s just not life. It’s the good and the bad. Even if the bad makes people uncomfortable, it doesn’t make it any less real. Ignoring it just leaves it feeling that much more alone.

So along with a potty trained toddler for Christmas, I would like a new bladder. Top of the line quality bladder please. My lady bits to stop being angry, calm down and do your job without making me feel like I’m being stabbed constantly. Is that too much to ask? I think not. If it’s not under the tree, I will be checking my stocking……annnnddddd I’m spent. Hope everyone is getting some good sleep and have healthy bladders.