I Hate The Phrase “Fake it ’til you make it.”

You fake it ’til you make it. What is that? I hate when people tell you the pretend to be ok, and then one day it will magically we the wonderful way. I hate when people say “it could always be worse.” That diminishes my experiences and how will that help me feel better or heal more quickly. I can’t remember where I heard this or read it, but I love what I’m about to say. SAYING SOMEONE CAN’T BE SAD/UPSET/DEPRESSED BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS IT WORSE THAN THEM, IS LIKE TELLING SOMEONE THEY CAN’T BE HAPPY BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS IT BETTER THAN THEY DO.

I carry that with me, and try to remember it often. Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel. Just because someone has it better or worse than they do, has no bearing on your own feelings or experiences. We are so quick to judge others and believe we are entitled to tell other people how to live their lives. Unsolicited advice is thrown around all day, every day. I’m sure most people don’t have malicious intentions. Nonetheless, it is annoying and pisses me off. I hate having others tell me how to live my life, how to parent, how to feel about my depression, how to be grateful for my neck surgery. Back the eff off!!!

Maybe I should be grateful. Right now this is not helpful. I’ve actually had an extremely emotional weekend and have cried a lot the past few days. I hate pretending that I’m doing better than I actually am. I feel the pressure to be strong. I feel pressure to say I have no pain because the surgery was meant to relieve it.

The truth is I am really struggling. Like I’ve written about before the arm pain, numbness and tingling are 100% gone. No nerve pain going down my shoulder-blade. My neck is really hurting me. Like sharp, shooting pain, similar to the pain I had before the surgery and before the pain spread to my arms and shoulder-blade. People tell me it will all be over soon. What is your definition of soon? When you’re having an easy day time flies. When every day feels like a struggle it feels like time slows down. I feel like I’ve been cooped up forever.

PC: Google Image Search

I did run a couple of errands with my mom yesterday afternoon, and that took all my energy and my neck ended up with shooting pain in the nerve in my neck. Hopefully, it’s irritated because there were screws and a plate inserted inside my body. Other than that, I’m lonely. I don’t want to ask for help because all my friends have their own lives, their own plans, family to take care of. I don’t want to be a burden. My mom has also done so much for me, she does so much for my family and her friends constantly, so I don’t want to burden her more. It breaks my heart the I have to rely on her quite a bit lately.

I’m sick of the restrictions. I’m sick of not being able to drive. I’m going stir crazy. This doesn’t help with my depression at all. I’ve really noticed that I cry at everything this weekend. A friend of mine said that the anesthesia can mess up your body for a very long time. I am always sensitive and a bit of a crier, but this just feels overwhelming.

Don’t tell me this will all be over soon. Don’t tell me I should be grateful. Don’t tell me to do or feel any specific way. I don’t want the advice. I want to kick your stupid kneecaps if you are annoying like that. I’m just struggling. A good friend of mine, who is my next door neighbor has been amazing. I came home from the hospital with a very sweet and lovely care package from her and her daughter. She also goes on frequent walks with me. I’ve been trying to walk every day, but the heat is ridiculous. But I’ve been doing it and doing it about 5 times a week. And I’d like to keep that up even after I’m healed. It is relaxing and nice to get the fresh air.

The moment I’m done with the walk and go back inside. I feel trapped. I feel all alone. I feel like a waste of space. I know my mom worries about me and I feel bad that I know she reads my blog. I know the things I write will probably make her worry about me more, which will just piss me off. I don’t need more sunlight in my room. I don’t need to do anything. I need to stop being in pain. I need to drive. I need my independence back. I need even a tiny shed of a decent life.

Some days, it’s just easier to plaster that fake smile and say I’m recovering well and am well in general. My mom and super close friends know I’m struggling because I’m short with them and whiny. I’ve done every single thing on the surgeon’s no-no list. Not intentionally, I swear. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not pulling my weight in any area of my life. I’m not working. I can’t watch my daughter by myself. I can’t feed my cats when they need it. I can’t drive. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.

PC: Goggle Image Search for Feeling Trapped

One day, I know I’ll look back on this and probably will say it flew by. Right this second I have tears welling up. I hate feeling lonely. My neck is a pain in the neck, literally. Ha. Mom joke. I find it interesting that before you have a surgery and have been struggling with chronic pain for a long time, people don’t notice, don’t pay attention or just don’t care. Once you have a surgery, for at the most a week, you get visitors and well wishes. Then you’re forgotten about all over again. I’m not saying I need constant attention, I just wish I didn’t feel like I’m doing this with minimal support. Yes mom, you are a huge support. She’s the constant, but I also feel like I’m draining her energy and that I’m irritating her. And we both get irritated with each other easily because we are so similar.

Also, I’ve found that even with my giant neck brace in the community doesn’t get me any more respect. I always hold the door open for people, not just injured people. I do it because it’s polite. When I go on walks, I feel like I have to move out-of-the-way of other people using the side-walk. They don’t seem to care, that maybe the stiff walking girl with the neck brace would appreciate having the right of way. Seems silly to be annoyed by that, but where did basic manners go? Why so much judgment from everyone? Even though I’m lonely, everyone is pissing me off. So that’s a dilemma.

Heading to bed. Thanks for just listening to my rants, whoever you are that reads. I enjoy writing. I do go on lots of tangents. Some not even related to the initial topic. My brain and thoughts move more quickly than I can write to speak out. It races. There’s some weird shit going on in there. Sometimes I wish I could use a remote to pause some of the super wild parts.

Before I say goodnight, I really really really wish one or all of you could smell my neck. Also, I want you to touch my neck and neck brace after I’ve gone for a walk, or even just stood there. It is a special treat. The grossness factor will not let you down, but you may quit being my friend for a few months. If I could capture the smell, I’d put it in a jar and sell it to a store like an anti-perfume. Kind of like in Monster’s INC. Brilliant ideas folks. I noodle them out from my head. Wishing you all safe nights, happy dreams and wonderful snoozes. XOXO

I’m Addicted to Dr. Pimple Popper

DISCLAIMER: If you get grossed out easily, this is NOT the post for you. If you dare to continue, I’m not responsible for any disturbing feelings you may have. I am also not responsible if you throw up. I highly recommend that you look at these pictures and watch her videos on an empty stomach. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Does anyone else have a sick obsession of looking at disgusting things? Because I sure do. It’s like a car wreck. You know it’s awful but you just can’t help yourself from looking, even if it’s just a little peek. Just below is the woman who has uploaded numerous cyst, pimple and black head extractions on YouTube. Thank you Dr. Pimple Popper, you have entertained me for hours.

PC: Dr. Pimple Popper Google Search

My best friend and I have literally laid in bed together trying to find the most disgusting of her videos posted. Lindsey can eat while watching this. I can not. Her stomach is stronger than mine. I gag sometimes, but I still have to watch it. I must know what is behind those bumps, pores, divots, and holes.

PC: Dr. Pimple Popper Google Search

This poor man. That is A LOT of gunk in his nose. Do you ever wonder where all the gunk lives inside your body? Like, if you have a black head in your nose that has as much stuff coming out from your nose like the picture above, where had it been hidden? I seriously want to know this.

PC: Dr. Pimple Popper Google Search

I would be fascinated and thrilled to pick at this guys back. Do you see all those blackheads?! Amazing! I would definitely wear gloves and a face shield so nothing would get in my mouth or on my skin. Ick. Sometimes what really frustrates me about Dr. Pimple Popper is that she can’t hear me speak to her through the computer. I would direct her to the ones I want her to pick at the most. She misses some amazing ones sometimes. And I hate that she uses the tools sometimes. Get in girl! Use your fingers, not the tweezers. I know you don’t have all the time in the world for each patient, but please let me come and assist!

PC: Dr. Pimple Popper Google Search

Holy black head! I bet there is so much dark, nasty gunk in there! There will be a gaping hole left I’m sure. I’m grimacing a tad as I’m typing this. It really is gross, but sometimes people just can’t help how their skin turns out. People also can’t see their own backs so I could see some of those guys becoming ginormous.

If you want to watch any or all of her videos, just go to YouTube and type in Dr. Pimple Partner. You won’t be disappointed. Unless you think this sort of stuff is disgusting. You will be very disappointed, so maybe don’t take a gander at it if you don’t want to see it.

I have a solution to the pimple issues. It’s not realistic or a thing at all. But what if we could open up our faces, like jus the skin part. Then we could just wipe all the yucky gunk that would have come through our skin. Once all the pus and whatever is wiped off you could close up your face and have perfect skin! I have brilliant ideas, but some aren’t a thing, and some I don’t have to money to get it going.

I wanted to write about something not super depressing. So instead I went with gross. This sort of thing does entertain me. Today has been a little rough for me. My arms, hands, shoulder, and shoulder-blade still are doing really well and have NO pain in any of them.

My hip hurts when I use the stairs but it’s manageable, I’m just getting around a bit slower. I wear the most restrictive collar more frequently. The soft collar makes it so easy to be careless and do more of the things the Dr. said to avoid. I am trying to be more patient. I’m trying to retrain my body to respect it so I heal more quickly. The nerve in my neck still hurts. It is pretty painful, but with the pain I was in before was significantly worse. It’s a bit frustrating that my neck nerve still hurts. I am also getting migraines again, or still? I’ve been getting dizzy and almost passed out last night and a couple of times today. Maybe I didn’t get enough water? It was weird.

My scars are healing really well so far. I know this is ridiculous but I’m kind of disappointed because I thought it would look more bad ass. Such a silly thing for me to think. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed that pictures I provided for you viewing pleasure. I also hope you continue to be slightly interested in my healing journey. It will be a roller coaster. I had a good meltdown earlier. I feel so much better after a good cry. I wonder why that is? Probably because you just release all the bad energy, emotions, thoughts and all the other things we are “supposed” to keep built inside us. I always do enjoy a really good cry after it’s been building for a long time. Pain and depression go hand in hand. Vicious cycle. I’ll have a lot more to say about that in time. I’ve rambled enough for one evening.

Happy weekend to you all! I hope it’s filled with love, fun and happiness. Have sweet snoozes. Be safe out there. XOXO

I’m Not Patient Enough for Recovery

I’m the worst patient ever. I usually am very supportive and a great caretaker for others. When it comes to me, I suck. I hate having my independence taken away from me. I hate having to rely on others to help me. I’m not good at asking for help, and I feel weak when I accept it. Being so restricted makes my depression come out in full force. I’m struggling. I’m surviving, but it’s not easy.

I’m still having some trouble with the nerve in the back of my neck. That part is rough, but it’s the only place where the pain remains. I have been getting migraines on and off. I never had them before the car accident. Like I’ve said, I can deal with most pain. I struggle when it’s constant or chronic. Migraines just through me for a loop. Never really even getting many headaches I’m at a complete loss of how to deal with it. They make me nauseous or throw up. I have no idea how people survive migraines.

I’m bored. Have I said that before? Get used to that complaints because it will be happening a lot in the next several weeks. I’m stressed about money because I haven’t been able to work in a long time and won’t be able to work for who knows how long.

This weight gain hasn’t been a basket of roses for me. The least benefit I could get from this crap is some weight loss, not even more weight gain. I’ve been walking almost every day. Sometimes more than once. In the heat! With sweat dripping down the front and back of my neck brace. Maybe I can freeze the brace, then put it on. They need an ice pack neck brace.

I keep over doing it. Then I regret it the neck day. I’m so impatient. I want to get better right this second. I had my last art therapy group last night. It was only for 2 1/2 hours, but my body was exhausted. My head felt like a million pounds, and I thought my neck would snap any second. Seriously? Just sitting exhausts me.

Then, because I am not a quick learner, I was extra active today. I was organizing my daughter’s room. I was sorting clothes with my mom, of what to keep, what to try to sell and what to donate. Such simple things make my body ache and hurt.

I recently started a podcast with one of my best friends. We talk about anything and everything and we have been having so much fun. While we were recording tonight, I guess even with the brace on I was at a weird angle and almost passed out. It was such a weird experience. I got all in my head, got the colored spots in my eyes, felt like I was struggling to breathe, and a weird sinking feeling like I was being choked. It was bizarre and scared me a bit. It’s probably my body telling me not to go to hard.

There is also this weird swollen area neck to my scar on my hip. Like not the normal healing from stitches. Not complaining, just weird. I’m exhausted. I wonder how long it really takes for me to be back to 100%. Will I ever be back to 100%? My surgeon told me I would have tissue, ligament or something like that, damage for a very long time from the whiplash. That is no joke. Some might not think what I went through in what might be described as a mild car accident, has really done to me. It has really impacted every area of my life.

I wish I could be positive and inspirational in some way. I bet even the most inspirational people have these crappy mindsets, they just don’t publicize it. Once again, this is real. I’ve had some tears today. Not a ton, but feeling sorry for myself tears because I’m already sick of all the restrictions. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore. It’s hard to find the motivation to look into other career paths, and at times I don’t even care.

I’m rambling as always. I have a roof over my head. I have a precious daughter with such a tender heart. I have 4 cats that sense that I’m struggling and are being all cute and snuggly. As much as I hate asking for help, my mom have been incredible taking care of me night and day. She’s brought me down to spend the night so I could have my daughter on my days. And she’s been up to my house to take her to school and let me see her. I love my mom dearly, but she bugs the crap out of me sometimes. My mom is really an amazing woman though. I couldn’t get through this without her. She hasn’t complained. She’s making me feel loved and treasured and I’m beyond lucky to have my mom as mine. We fight sometimes because we are so similar, but we love the hell out of each other. If you read this mommy, thank you for being you and loving me enough to help me through the hell I’m trying to get through.

I’m sleepy and sore. Getting to the sleepy point where everything I’m typing is getting blurry. I hope you all have amazing sleeps, sweet dreams, and all the brownies in the world. If you do have brownies please send some my way please and thank you. XOXO

Why Don’t We Talk About It?

Why does our society keep real, raw emotions so secretive? We ask others how they are doing, while only really wanting to hear them say “I’m fine.” We are in too much of a hurry to give a shit about anyone else’s lives. For those that actually want to share their truth and the pain they are going through, they don’t feel like they have the freedom to express themselves. They think no one cares anyway, so why should we even try?

Some people might think my blog is too negative or too depressing. First of all, if you don’t like it don’t read it. Next, I’m being real. Right now I feel negative. I am struggling with my depression. I am in physical and emotional pain. I am struggling. I am in a rut. You know what else? All of those feelings are ok. We are humans and we have every right to express it. If it makes someone uncomfortable, that’s their issue. I think it’s brave and strong to be yourself and tell it like you see it when everyone else is telling you that you’re wrong. Maybe the one’s that are “too sensitive” “too honest” “a bleeding heart” are actually the ones who have life figured out. Ever thought of that?

I have been told ever since I was a little girl that I was “too sensitive.” I’ve been told I was “too nice” and “too caring.” WTF is that? That’s not a thing. I say fuck you to that. It’s like a badge of honor in our society to not express emotions other than intimidation, power, and anger. That gets you respected. When I’m “too sensitive” I’m reaffirming society’s stereotype that I’m a weak woman and won’t have anything of value to contribute to a certain job or society because I cry easily. I have a tender heart and I do not apologize for that. I will NOT apologize for it.

This is one of my favorite quotes; “the only way for evil to prevail is if good men do nothing.” by Edmund Burke. There are some slight variations to that quote, but what I’ve written is tattooed on the back on my right arm. It inspires me. It reminds me that even if I’m not doing the unacceptable behavior, if I see it and do nothing, I am just as responsible as the perpetrator. We turn our heads and avert our eyes to things we don’t want to acknowledge that they exist. But that’s life. That is why my heart is so tender. That is why I “care too much.” We already have so many people caring too little, I may not be able to make a major difference in the world. But I’m sure going to try.

I’ve been told I was grandiose and delusional because I want to save the world. Ok, that’s probably not possible. But who would ever try to put someone down who has that goal? Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you’ll land among the stars. I’d rather try too hard and fail, than sit back and pretend that unacceptable behavior is ok, because I’m not standing up for the ones that can’t defend themselves.

The way I think is more exhausting. It does add to my depression. I tend to be more cynical than most people. This isn’t to be negative. It’s to be real. I’m a realist and I’ve worked in addictions, mental hospitals, jails. I’ve worked with some of the most challenging populations and guess what they don’t need? Tough love. Someone else pointing out their flaws. Being told they are worthless and have no purpose. When we are allowed to see people as people, and really want to see them, you don’t just accept the good parts of them. You get the good, the bad and the ugly. I am judgmental towards people, I’m trying not to be, but for the most part I feel I see at least some good in others, after all we are all people. Every person started out innocent and we don’t know other people’s circumstances that brought them to make the choices they have made in their lives. They can’t change their past, I can’t change their past; but as a society we can treat individuals like humans. We need to have more of a community thinking. We are all selfish and try to get stuff, money and power for ourselves. Other cultures work as a team. They seem to understand what really matters; not materialistic stuff, overworking ourselves while ignoring our families, money. Our lives should be about quality. Quality time with loved ones. Getting joy in helping others. And having more experiences and less possessions.

I would put my life on the possibility that if we become more compassionate towards others; become more accepting, and more willing to help others then there would be significant decreases in crimes, less suicides, less isolation and feelings of worthlessness and being hopeless. I don’t have many followers on my blog and that’s ok. I’m just rambling here, but this is what I’m passionate about. We are all equals. I’m not better than anyone else, even if I were a billionaire that doesn’t mean shit. It’s my heart that counts. No one gets to choose who their parents are. We don’t get to choose the color of our skin. We can’t choose our financial situations. With all of these things being out of everyone’s control it confuses me that we judge others on stupid things that not one of us chose or hadĀ  any say in.

I have so many things to say on this topic and other related ones, my mind is racing and wanting to get it all out. Again, sorry for the stream of consciousness. I believe that violence is a learned behavior. Research has proven that learned behaviors can be unlearned. See where I’m going with this? It won’t work for everyone, it just won’t. But don’t judge a person on their history and their mistakes. Violence can be unlearned.

Let’s give people chances. Let’s help provide safe environments where we are actually interested in how a person is doing. How they are really doing, not the “I’m fine” because society tells us to do that weird shit. Let’s take an interest into things and people other than ourselves. I wonder what kind of a world it could be if each day we were just a tad nicer, a tad kinder, give one more person a genuine smile, a wave to a lonely individual. The little things matter, and the little things can become the big things if we get enough people who want to make the world a better place.

My post may not be easy to follow to be on the same topic, however, the way my brain works I see all the connections. I’ve had people tell me they would love to be inside my head for a day. There’s some deep shit in there. And some awesome as well. Venting, complaining, feeling sorry for myself; however you want to classify this post as makes me feel a little lighter. It’s ok for me to struggle. When I struggle it also helps me to think about the injustices in the world and if there is something I could do to help change it. I’m an empath and will always feel the pain of others. While it hurts my heart, I can handle it and hopefully be able to make the world a better place. Even a tiny bit.

Sorry, not sorry; for the serious tangent I went on. I felt like writing what I was thinking and it feels really good to get this out even if no one ever reads it. Honestly, it took my mind off some of the neck pain I’m having right now, so that is extra wonderful. Have good snoozes everyone! XOXO

Help Me Escape My Neck Brace Prison

In case you think I’m just trying to be humorous, I’m not. Get this death trap off of me and burn it to the ground. Tonight is going to be me complaining (shocker) about why I hate my neck brace so much. I have 2 actually. I have a soft collar, which looks like the people who are faking a neck injury from a day time court show. My other one has much more support, even a nice little resting place for my chin and there are a couple of openings so my skin can kind of breathe.

The soft collar is more comfortable, but not super supportive. The other one restricts my movements, like it should, but it is so uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I’m 90 for some reason.

The stupid neck braces prevent me from looking left or right; up and down. This is very dangerousĀ  as I could be completely oblivious to a stalker chasing me. I could miss a parade going down the street, miss seeing on-coming traffic. I could miss that jackass bird that is trying to poop on my head. I know that neck support is essential, but someone should really come up with one that is both sturdy and comfortable.

The stupid neck braces are hot as hell! Of course it would be me having surgery in July. Both of them have my neck drenched in sweat and I overheat very easily. I feel like with all the walking I’ve been doing to try to lose the weight I gained from being unable to be active so much would help me with my weight loss journey. So far, I am seeing no benefits to the neck braces or walks. With my hot sweaty neck braces I can’t smell my neck. I know that isn’t a thing. But I’m pretty sure it smells like rotten feet. Or dirty refrigerator.

On the topic of smelling myself, I am unable to move my neck to gat a good whiff of my armpit. If you know me, you know I have to smell everything. I’m fairly obsessive with smelling my armpits, particularly the right one. That one is my anxiety armpit. I need to check it to make sure I don’t scare people away. Everyone tells me it doesn’t smell, but I know it’s a lie. I have no shame, I will smell these pits any time, anywhere. Sometimes you’ve just gotta know these things.

The next thing I hate the neck collars for is that I can’t lift anything over 10lbs. Do you know what weighs less than 10lbs? Nothing. Not a damn thing. I’ve already unintentionally lifted over the weight limit. How am I supposed to know what specific things weigh unless I put it on a scale. Then what? If it’s over I could destroy the neck. My head feels like a bowling ball being held up by a dandelion stem. I’m all nimbly bimbly.

And the last thing I want to address tonight, is that learning how to move your whole torso to look either direction is harder than one might think. I’m so used to using my head. Once there is an injury you realize how much we take each body part for granted. My neck used to be pretty cool and let me see far and wide. Now I’m like a horse with blinders on, except with even more limits because I can’t move my fricken neck.

I want to be comfortable. I just want to sleep. My scar is looking pretty cool though. I’ll show pics later. I’m too tired to add anything beautiful so this is all you get tonight. I promise you that I will recover like a badass and live an amazing life. I’m not going to let this injury or the debilitating depression beat me. I will most definitely have difficult times and complain, but my life will have a purpose. So if I can hang in there, so can all of you. It’s a bitch, it sucks, people suck, life sucks; but we can’t let that shit win. Let your inner fierceness thrive. XOXO