Tag Archives: bladder issues

Neck Pains and Vagina Games

My surgery almost got postponed. Just a tad before 5pm this evening I got a call from the surgeon’s office telling me that insurance FINALLY approved my surgery. They are only approving a 23 hour stay in the hospital. Laughable. At this point I don’t care. I’m having the surgery. I will be on the road to recovery in a little less than 36 hours. I would have been so livid if it had to be rescheduled. Nothing like waiting until the last second and making me so nervous I almost threw up.

It’s so hard to fake it. I hate the “fake it ’til you make it” saying. One, because it isn’t genuine. Two, that takes a lot of energy. And three, I don’t think I’m that convincing that I’m fine when I’m really not. Chronic pain and mental illness are so misunderstood. It isn’t easy to pretend you’re fine when your head and body are at constant war.

Photo Credit: www.boredpanda.com
Artist: Al Margen

People really struggle with understanding others if they can’t see something obviously wrong with them. It’s like no one actually believes that you are suffering if you don’t have the blood shed to prove it. Once I have the surgery, I’ll have all sorts of people sending me well wishes and prayers. I absolutely appreciate it, but I wish it could be acknowledged that the struggle is real right now.

I keep snapping at my daughter. Pain makes a person so grumpy. I have no patience for her and it makes me feel like a shit mom. I also feel like the most non-fun parent in the world. She has a great dad who spends quality time with her and they have a lot of fun. They do a lot of active and adventurous things. He’s exciting. I’m grateful he is like that, but it’s hard not to compare yourself to that. He is the literal Disney dad (he’s taken her to Disney World twice, one time with me but that’s not the point). I’m boring and tired and in pain. I could happily (well depressedly) stay in bed all day and lay around with her. Apparently, that isn’t much fun for an almost 4-year-old.

When I was watching videos online of the surgery I’ll be having, I found that the inside of your neck looks like BBQ ribs. I can’t get that thought out of my head. So I asked my Dr. at my pre-op if he eats ribs. This is after I asked the essential before surgery questions of course. He kind of looked at me like I was a weirdo. I am. I told him that the inside of the neck reminds me of ribs and I was curious if he ate them after seeing so many gross things during surgery. He responded; “yes. I’m an omnivore.” That was a disappointing response. I did get a hint of a smirk, but that’s about it.

Photo Credit: The Metapicture

My bladder is still trying to calm down. I think I’m finally starting to feel better. I’m not sure, I can’t ever tell. Sometimes I think I’m all better, then I’ll be living on the toilet for the next 2 days desperately trying to pee. I was hoping after the whole bladder debacle I would actually be fine in that area.

I have another story related to this. Last week I was feeling like I had another UTI. So I took some antibiotics and AZO to calm it down. I was on it for several days and it wasn’t getting any better. I thought something else might be wrong. I was at my parents’ house and decided to take a gander at the ‘ol vag. It’s not a pretty picture down there. Might help if I knew my what’s going on down there, but hey web MD told me all I needed to know.

I decided from my vaginal detective skills that I had a genital wart and HPV. I called my ex and accused him of giving it to me. I asked him if he knew that he had an STD before he infected me. He denied, denied, denied. I took pictures of my nether region so that I could inspectigate more closely. I looked for similar pictures on google.

When I found what diseases I probably had, I showed my mom the pictures (of MY vagina, not the pics on the web). Don’t worry it was zoomed in super close. She said it looked normal, but that there was maybe a little sore or something, confirming that I did indeed have an STD. I got an appointment with my gyno the next day.

I go in and tell them that I believe I have an STD, HPV to be specific, as well as, a genital wart. I then told her that I am concerned my vagina smells and that my labia is too large. I asked if she could check it all out while she was down there. With the bladder issues and past trauma they had to use the pediatric speculum, by the way. That still hurt me.

This woman got in real close and searched the whole situation. She inspected all the caves and caverns. I was very chatty. She was super supportive and reassuring. I told her that I took pictures and asked if she wanted to look at them to see what I was talking about. She told me she was good, as she was looking at my actual vagina. Fair point.

I got an anatomy lesson that day. I do NOT have genital warts. I do have some extra tissue. I do NOT have HPV. My labia is normal, she would not classify it in the large category. My vagina doesn’t smell bad, and I believe her because she was right up in there for a good amount of time. No mask.

All the tests they ran for STD’s came back negative. The only thing that showed up was my E. Coli infection. My pee did smell bad. It was that and not my vagina. The pee most definitely did smell like a barnyard. I’m not kidding. It was potent.

I had to call my ex and embarrassingly admit that he “most likely” did not give me a STD. Then fully admit that I was wrong and jumped the gun. I learned that my vagina is normal. I probably shouldn’t search down there too often as I might scare myself again.

All in all the gyno trip was very informative and eased my anxiety. While I thankfully don’t have any STD’s, I have to admit that I just might be a hypochondriac. Thanks a lot web MD for the stressful information. Who would have thought that you shouldn’t get medical advice from the interwebs? Shocking!

I Have Returned!

After taking an 18 month hiatus, I have decided to start writing again. SOOO much has happened. It is going to take me a while to update on everything. I’m also going to revamp my blog…once I remember how to use it. This is so embarrassing.


First Dance Recital June 2017. She actually danced!

Where to start? Well, I am getting a divorce. We have been separated for over a year. He is an amazing father to our daughter and I honestly don’t have anything negative to say about him. I am lucky to be able to co-parent with him. He is also a dear friend of mine. I know that sounds super cliché and gross, but it’s true. Seeing some of my friends go through some ugly divorces, makes me appreciate how well he and I get along.

I am STILL dealing with some stupid bladder issues. I’m currently on a prescription due to my latest infection. E. Coli. I wish I understood how I keep getting the E. Coli, as I am still a vegetarian. I did find an amazing pelvic pain doctor early last year. I was on medication that made my pee blue! It was beautiful. I had vaginal suppositories. I also was going to vagina PT for several months. I was doing relatively well in the pee area for quite some time. Then my bladder decided to be a little bitch. She and I can’t seem to figure out our relationship. Way more info on that later. I know you all have been dying for an update.


Love this sweet face. She isn’t 4 yet, but look how big she’s getting

So, I’m going to start documenting my recovery process for my latest ordeal. On Wed. July 5th, I will be having surgery on my neck. AHHH! I was in a car accident in Sept. 2016, and I’ve been dealing with concussion and neck issues ever since. I have been in PT since October, 1-2 times a week. I was doing neuro-feedback treatments up to 4 times a week, initially. I was averaging 5-6 appointments every week. I had neurology appointments, eye doctors, and changes to my anti-depressants. It has been exhausting.

I wasn’t getting better with all the hoopla I was doing to recover. So I went to a spine Dr. I got an MRI. Herniated disc in my C5-C6. It is pinching a nerve. Can I just tell you how absolutely painful this has been? If anyone has been in a similar situation I feel ya. I wouldn’t wish any of my issues on my worst enemies.

From there I had 3 injections in my neck to treat the pain. I got literally, hours of relief. Hours. So the 2 different Dr.’s who did the injections said I need surgery. The spinal surgeon, said I need surgery. He is a VERY conservative Dr. so for him saying I need surgery, means I actually need it and he isn’t just trying to get money.

I finally see an end in sight as I have 4 more sleeps until I can start to recover. The surgery is called; Anterior Cervical Discectomy and Fusion (ACDF) and I’m also having an Iliac Crest Bone Graft. They are taking bone from my hip and putting it in my neck, fusing my C5-C6 together. That’s a mouthful. If you are brave and type that into YouTube, there are some graphic videos for you to watch. (Disclaimer; if you are having surgery, don’t watch what they will be doing beforehand. It’s terrifying).


Love being her mommy

There is so much for me to talk about on this topic. I will try to write as much as I can before the surgery. Then I will document my recovery. Basically, I will be in a neck brace for 1 month. I can’t pick up more than 10 pounds for 2-3 months. This means I can’t pick up my daughter. This breaks my heart. I also can’t do dishes, mow the lawn, feed my cats, change cat litter. I want to say I’m sad about not being able to do chores. Let’s be real, that part is going to be great.

Oh I also, can’t drive for the first month either. It will be like I’m a teenager all over again, without my car. Being at everyone else’s mercy. I’m not looking forward to this part. I’m not looking forward to the recovery very much basically. I am thrilled to get back to my life, but I’m tired of waiting and want to be fixed right this second.

My blog is all about all the crap my body goes through. It’s laughable how crappy my body behaves. I keep trying to exchange it on Amazon, but all the good ones are backordered. HA! If that was a thing, I’m first in line. This is going to be a LOOONNNNGGGGG recovery. I’m going to be very grouchy. What’s new, right? I’m always moody now. With all this shit going on, my depression has gotten significantly worse.

The E. Coli is eating my brains, because I don’t think anything I’ve written will make sense. And no, I’m not editing it. Thanks for asking. I wanted to do a quick update and let everyone know I am returning to my blog. Right now, I’m sweating and feeling like I’m going to faint. Don’t worry, the surgeon knows about the gross infection I have, he’s the one that called in the script. So the 5th is the big day, unless my insurance can’t pull it together. They better because I can’t handle this misery any longer!!!!


Sporting some super cool stunna shades

Thankful Thursdays #11

With all the awful IC flare ups, I am struggling to find things to be thankful for. I like to express what I am grateful for because I think it’s so important to realize that when we are in a negative head space that there are still some things that are a blessing. Even if you have to really, really, rrreaaalllllyyy dig deep to find that blessing.

(PC: The Meta Picture)

So I know the picture is more related to periods, but I feel like this is my life constantly. Except I don’t if it’s more my IC or Endo. I had a laparoscopic procedure in Oct. 2012 due to pelvic pain. That’s where they found several ovarian cysts, (one the size of my ovary) Endometriosis and an adhesion. The Endo was all over, including my bladder. So I’m thinking and hoping that the Endo is on my bladder instead of my symptoms just being from IC. Because if the constant pain is from Endo then I’m seriously just going to beg them to take it all. Remove all the crap that is making my life a living hell.

If it’s not, and the issue is the IC I will more than likely have a very large meltdown. Feeling like this is overwhelming and contributing to my depression getting worse. However, I am very open and honest with my husband and Doctor and I am managing the depression okay. Chronic pain, certain conditions/diseases just suck the life out of you. I am trying. I really am. It’s just hard.

So, back to the thankful part, I know there hasn’t been anything positive so far. I am thankful that we have amazing insurance! I’ve had good insurance, crap insurance and no insurance before. Since I’ve been married, our insurance has been incredible. It’s so appreciated. Especially with all my issues. I started a new medication yesterday, Uribel. It’s a 4 time a day pill. I’m not sure if it’s new or not, but I have tried every med for my IC with little to no relief. I’m hopeful this will be one that helps me feel better.

A major negative to this med is that it can cost an average of $300/month. That is ridiculous. At the same time, I would willingly go broke if it meant I got some relief. I would also cut of my arms at this point to get relief. I know that good insurance is hard to find, but we have a great plan, which allows me the opportunity to explore the numerous medication and treatment options to get me feeling like a normal human again.

Oh, and I fun little perk of the medication is that it turns my pee blue. Not Windex blue, more of a happy, cloudless day blue. So when I do pee it is a fun little surprise since I’ve never had blue pee before. Pretty thrilling for the moment.

Continued Pee Problems

My husband apparently feels so bad about my pee problems that he is now suffering from kidney stones. We are quite the duo. Poor guy has been struggling with significant pain for a little over 2 weeks. He’s been to doctor countless times and even the ER and he keeps getting the same answer that it will pass soon. He is on a lot of pain meds. Poor guy, he looks miserable. Hopefully it will pass soon. I guess it hurts when it’s traveling to the bladder, then he is supposed to get a break until it travels to his urethra. From the urethra until it’s completely passed is said to be extremely painful. The good news is that once it has passed he is supposed to have instant relief and feel better.

My hubby hates needles. And I mean HATE. He is willing to go into the hospital again to have IV pain meds or even have surgery to get the stone out. He is so miserable and it’s pretty sad to watch. He has also been so sweet because he told me he gets my bladder pain. Oh and he gets to pee into a strainer to keep the stone so the doctors can determine what type of stone it is. I didn’t know that was a thing or that there was more than 1 type of kidney stones.

And of course I am still in an IC (interstitial cystitis) flare up. The same one that has been going on for what, the past 6 weeks? This is hell on earth. I think that I would take getting repeatedly punched in the face by a large man than deal with this crap anymore. I started to keep a log of how many times I peeing a day. The average day is in the 40s. That is excessive. Especially, since I have to concentrate to pee. I can’t talk, be on my iPad or phone. I can’t pet the cats. It is serious business where I have to will my bladder to cooperate.

Staying in bed seems to be the only real thing that helps ease the symptoms, as well as hold my crotch. Neither of these options get me very far in my life. Any time I get up it feels like a heavy weight wants to fall out of me. It’s an instant need to urinate, but then it gets stage fright apparently and needs to be coaxed into leaving my body.

Then after I think I got everything out, I have to pee again. I can’t remember the last time that I didn’t feel the need to pee. It makes me sad because my daughter now goes around the house holding her vagina and says “ouch” or “it hurts.” Nothing appears to be wrong with her so I think she’s learning that behavior from me.

I hope this issue gets resolved soon. I would hate to constantly need to take it easy and then my daughter resents me one day for not being a fun or present parent. Stress adds to the flare ups. It also seems like if the wind blows the wrong direction I feel like I have a raging UTI. I don’t look forward to traveling because I usually get an IC flare up whenever I’m on a plane. I get a flair up if anything is too stressful. Ha! Life is stressful. Raising my toddler is stressful. Um..working at a jail is stressful. But I can’t and don’t want to quit my job. I definitely can’t quit being a mother. How am I supposed to avoid stress in my life, when stress is a part of life?

We went snowmobiling on New Years Eve. We had to cut the day a bit short. Going over the bumps did a number on my bladder. I also peed myself numerous times throughout the day. Don’t you just love the feeling of having no control over your bladder and peeing on yourself? I love it. It’s so fun….that’s another issue. I can’t engage in activities I enjoy without either getting a flare up or can’t find anywhere to pee. This really prevents me from even wanting to socialize. I think the mess that is my bladder and girl parts make it very easy for me to stay in my house and live in my bed. I try to get out, but as of late, I have to pee every few minutes that it’s not worth it to get out of the house.

One day there will be a cure for this horrid disease. I hope. I insist! This whole condition can make a person feel completely isolated and lonely. I don’t want to complain about it. I also want to get my frustrations out. Some good news is that I’m seeing a uro-gyno who specializes in pelvic pain. But my appointment isn’t until Feb. 4. But the Dr. is a female. And she specializes in IC and Endometriosis. And I have recently found out that you can get Botox to help paralyze some of the spasms that make the condition so miserable. I’m going to inquire about that. If I decide on the Botox I wonder if I could convince the Dr. to just put a little extra into my face. I mean, she already has the stuff and if you’re putting it one place can’t you just put it anywhere? I’m going to ask her. Hopefully she will be awesome and say yes. A girl can dream. Guess what I have to do now? I have to pee….again. I’m having so much fun! I think I’m the one keeping Charmain and AZO in business since those are the 2 most common things I buy.

Can Someone PLEASE Get Me a New Bladder?

I really really hate IC (Interstitial Cystitis) if anyone reading this suffers from this, I am so SO sorry. Once again, I have been up for the majority of the night because I feel like I need to pee. I can’t.

My Dr. put me on a new med to try to alleviate the symptoms of IC on Wednesday. I don’t know if it is the change in medications or if I”m still in a flare up. Regardless, I am feeling pretty low both physically and emotionally.

I am calling into work sick….yet AGAIN! I love my job. I really do. It is stressful, frustrating, sad, intense; but I love the actual work I do and the mental health team I’m privileged to work with. So sorry lovely co-worker I am abandoning you again. I only work part-time. So including me, there are 3.5 mental health workers to tend to 500 inmates. This past year I have missed more work than I ever have in my life. And this is a job that I want to be at!

It’s too early to call any of my doctors. Believe me, the second they open I will be begging to be seen. I’ve been thinking a lot since I’m awake and miserable and I would seriously give up most things in my life to feel healthy or even less miserable. I was talking with my husband this weekend and we saw that the powerball is at $180 million. I was telling him that even if we won that money, it wouldn’t cure my IC, Endo or Depression. I told him that I would give that amount away if I did have it, just to get some relief. I don’t think that is in my near future.

I need sleep. I want to sleep. More than that, I really need to pee. Please come out. My bladder feels heavy, or something does. I feel like my insides are falling out. Literally. There is this pull and it makes me feel like I have to pee immediately, pretty much all the time.

I’ve been doing additional research on IC to see if there are any options that I haven’t tried that could possibly help me. During my research it looks like the average person pees about 7 times a day! Ha! On a good day I’m between 30-40 on my worst day it’s upwards of close to 100. I’m serious. How can anyone be productive when they go to the bathroom that often? It’s not a quick pee either. Especially if I’m having a flare up because I constantly feel like I have to go and only get a couple of drops out.

I don’t want to quit my job, but I’ve been tossing that around lately because it’s just not fair to my co-workers to miss this much work. I love seeing them, but I can’t function. Feeling guilty on top of that for missing work doesn’t serve me. It just adds more stress and guilt that I really don’t need or want to think about. Maybe there is something I can do from home for awhile until we get my symptoms under control. I really hate that. Just thinking about quitting my job is making me so sad. I don’t think that too many people find work they truly enjoy. The environment sucks sometimes, actually quite a bit. But like I said, the work I do is perfect for me. And I’m good at my job.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that is making my head so confused about what to do in the job department. I do know that I can’t function like this. My quality of life right now is extremely poor. I believe that I’m tough, currently I don’t feel tough. I’m scared that this will never get better. Honestly, I’m not super optimistic about it improving. All I want to do is pee. Since that isn’t happening, I want to hold my vagina so it feels like I’m getting some comfort. However, holding your vagina isn’t very public friendly. Absolutely inappropriate when working at a jail.

I wonder if cutting off the lower portion of my body would help? If they cut off everything vagina and below would I still feel these gross symptoms? Maybe that is worth checking out? Can you see how desperate I am? Also, possibly extremely tired is making me think irrational thoughts. The longer these symptoms last, the better the irrational thoughts are sounding.

I brought a pillow with me to the bathroom so I could try and rest my head while I was trying to pee. Not comfortable folks. Then my kitty jumped up on the pillow and started purring. So sweet to comfort me. I read somewhere that a cats purr can help heal some medical issues as well as depression and anxiety. His purring did not cure or help my IC. I want a refund! Give me a cat that has magical purrs that can help me. Is there anyone or anything that can help? However IC came to exist pisses me off. If there is a vaccine for it, I need it. Maybe I should invent something to relieve the symptoms since there doesn’t seem to be anything useful.