Tag Archives: Cats

Week 4 Post ACDF Surgery

I don’t love it, but it’s true.

I thought I would be more consistent documenting my recover process. I don’t think I’ve accomplished that. Or maybe I have been updating in a round about way. My head is so scattered. With the parenting schedule being mixed up, the surgery daze and the meds still in my system I swear I don’t feel like I truly exist. I don’t remember the date, day of the week. It annoys me.

Currently, my gorgeous cat, Toggle, is sitting just behind my computer screen giving me good kitty moon eyes. All 4 cats are in my room, helping me feel less alone. I’m watching Gypsy on Netflix and am beyond confused, so if anyone else watches it, feel free to explain it to me. Seriously.

Toggle. Best Friday Night Date a Girl Could Have

Once again, the pain in both arms, hands and shoulder-blade feels perfect. They told me nerves can take FOREVER to heal, and to have the relief from them immediately is hard for me to wrap around my head. I expected to have a longer recovery in that area. I also thought I’d have more relief in my neck by now. Shooting, stabbing, sharp, devil pain.

The back on my neck, on the nerve, that hurt prior to the surgery is still bothering me. Like physical/emotional wreck. I cry constantly. I’m irritable. I’m lonely. I’m bored. I don’t have an appetite, then when I do feel hungry I binge on sugar. Not just a treat or two, like a pan of brownies that I melted marshmallows on top of, or a whole row of birthday cake for breakfast. I’m fairly intelligent, but can’t seem to figure out how to lose my extra weight. Sugar is my drug of choice.

I ate this today! All of it. S’mores pizza!

I have my first follow-up appointment with my surgeon on Monday. I’ll have an X-ray first, then see the Dr. Fingers crossed I get approval to drive! On the driving note I am nervous to drive in traffic. If I can’t bend, lift or twist; how on earth am I going to be able to look over my shoulder to merge. I’m going to be the car that is pissing everyone off because I can’t see well. Or with my luck I’ll have someone else hit me.

None of this makes sense! I need an adult. Also, completely unrelated, but for divorced parents, does it ever get easier on the days when your child is with the other parent? I saw my daughter every single day for 2 1/2 years, with the exception of 1 night, not of my choosing. I had emergency surgery. Then when my co-parent moved out, I didn’t get to see her every day anymore.

My baby

My world

The best part of my world

She just turned 4. We all went to breakfast as a family and even though it was “his” night with her, I got to have a sleepover with her at my parents. He is an amazing dad. I can not stress that enough. Even with us being so cordial, I miss the hell out of my kid. I think when you have a surgery/depression/chronic pain/mental illness/ etc. Whatever major thing impacting your life anyway, when you are sad and away from your child(ren) it aches. It physically hurts. I miss her.

School drop off on her B-day with mom and dad. The neck brace will be the most glamorous memory.

Pretty Happy 4 year old

She had to be Cat Boy from PJ Masks!

Can’t believe she is 4! It’s gone so fast. No more baby

I see her even less since the surgery and I know insurance won’t see it this way, but I feel I deserve a large sum of money for every extra moment I’ve missed with my little girl because of my injuries. I shouldn’t have to pour my heart out on my stupid blog and cry because I miss my baby. Life can be amazing at times, the other ones are absolute shit.

Wants to be like mommy. Her neck hurts too sometimes

Yes, I get to see my princess. BUT, this is a forever reminder that I had to miss out on so many moments with my darling girl, because of what that accident caused.

I hope the sharp pain in my neck goes away, and that it’s just like they said that sometimes nerves take forever to heal. If this is the best it’s going to get I will most definitely continue to be cynical and snarky.

The other day I had a meltdown, shocking I know. I’m getting so frustrated with the neck pain. I told my mom that I wish for 1 day, then changed to 1 month, then I decided I want 1 year. I want 1 year without someone I love dying. I want 1 year without suicidal thoughts. 1 year without a divorce (likely won’t happen), 1 year without a surgery. Just ONE mother fucking year of a break. I don’t even need a good life. I’m just tired of the “when it rains, it pours” shit I keep going through. My family jokes that if something could go wrong, it would (of course) happen to me. I’ve also joked with my family that if I wrote a bibliography, everyone would think it was made up.

Once I feel a little, or a lot, better I’m going to be a warrior. I’m going to continue to fight my battle with depression. I will continue to fight my pain. I will continue to do it, even when it makes me want to quit, run, hide and just go away. I will not lose my battle with depression. I’m not going to be a warrior, I AM one. Because I keep doing this. I’m honest about it. I’m not one of those people who people say, “oh she goes through so much and never complains, or is always positive.” I don’t know if that would be honest of anyone. I’m broken, but my brokenness can become a beautiful mosaic, I just don’t have all my pieces yet or the design down. There’s time to get it figured out.

Not a huge Freud fan, but hoping these struggles continue to make me stronger. Even though I’m sick of having to be strong.


10 Things I Think You Should Know About Me

I’m pretty awesome. Even with the extreme body issues and depression, I sometimes feel empowered, fearless and fierce. Other days I don’t feel as awesome. I get paranoid that people don’t like me. That everyone I love will leave me. That I’m an absolute failure. Sometimes I think I have this amazing purpose to help change the world, and it can flip like a coin where I feel that I’ll amount to nothing and make the world a worse place. That is terrifying. I’m worried that I’m a bad mother because I struggle with my depression. I don’t want her to resent me in the future. For today, I just want to tell you some random things about myself. I’m hoping it will make me feel silly and fun.

1) I am deathly afraid of snakes. Big ones, small ones, they freak me out. Like I’m so terribly afraid of them that every single time I go to the bathroom I have to inspect the toilet to make sure there are no slithering bastards waiting to bite my butt. I’m not even joking. I will turn on the light in the middle of the night, just to be sure. It’s a thing you know. I’ve seen pictures on the interwebs.

2) I enjoy sad movies (stupid because I have horrible depression, right?). I love watching documentaries that make you think and see the real, raw parts of things. We hide from the bad. We are afraid of it. People think I’m a masochist because I work in a profession where there is so much negativity, I love being in my bed with the drapes shut. They all make me cry. Sometimes they make me enraged.

I like it because it’s real. I like it because it lights a fire under my ass to want to make the world a better place. It actually inspires me. When I doubt my abilities to really make a difference it’s because people in my life put me down. “You can’t help everyone, Mergen.” “You can’t change the world.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re grandiose.” When they tell me those things, then I begin to doubt my abilities to actually make a real change.

While that is a fear, why do I care about the naysayers? I CAN make a difference. I WILL make a difference. There is not much that I feel confident about, but I am damn good with people. I am a born empath, born with a tender heart. In this world, I think there needs to be more “delusional people wanting to change the world” around here. Not more of the cold, selfish, power-hungry people. While I do cry at everything, and while my heart hurts for everyone and all the injustices in this world, I would rather be just as I am than the heartless souls out there. I AM good enough. I AM strong. And I AM fierce. I need to remember that more often.

3) My mind is a hot mess. I’ve got racing thoughts constantly. I have so many interests and I’m very creative and intelligent. What I struggle with is putting my thoughts into action. I have brilliant ideas actually, some silly and fun things, some creative, and some that I believe can really make a positive impact with prison reform and mental illness. Now if I can just pull it together enough to put these ideas into action; I’ll be all set.

4) I have jumped out of an airplane 606 times. I used to love it! Then I lost some loved ones to the sport, then I had my daughter. Priorities change one you have a child, even on our worst days I choose her over my best days skydiving.

5) I have 4 cats. No regrets there. None.

6) I still sleep with my ratty old baby blanket, and brought it with me to the  hospital with my ACDF surgery. I think I wrote about that when I was in the hospital, but my brain was all foggy.

7) I have so many dreams I can’t keep it straight. I would LOVE to someday own acreage, an old farm-house, and a rustic barn. I could have a pumpkin patch in the fall and a little farm stand in the summer. I have a total black thumb, so there does need to be some research and practice ahead of time. While living on the farm I will also be a writer. I want to write short silly stories, and then maybe some how to books regarding mental health and suicide. Like how to write a good mental health evaluation. Or suggestions on how to deal with someone struggling with suicide, suicidal thoughts. Short manuals, I don’t think I have the attention span to write a long book. As evidenced by my chaotic writing style on here.

8) My daughter is almost 4. She is one of my largest frustrations, but the most incredible part of my life. I love being her mommy. Her temper tantrums really, REALLY test my patience (which I don’t have an abundance of) she always steals my heart with a huggy, a kissy, or when she is fast asleep.

9) I have 11 tattoos. I definitely plan on getting more when I get some moolah. I have had 13 surgeries including wisdom teeth.

10) I am extremely allergic to shellfish. How did I find out you ask? Here’s the little story. So, for anyone following my blog, you will know I am a life long vegetarian, for those that don’t understand vegetarianism, we do NOT eat seafood either.

Last summer we went to a restaurant where they prepare your food on one big grill in front of you?  Well, we went there one night when it wasn’t busy and there were only 2 other people there. Long story short, I felt weird when I was eating my non-meat, 100% vegetarian meal. My lips started to feel stingy, my throat felt a bit weird, so I went home. By the time I was home, my lip looked like I had some overdone fillers. I was NOT cute. At least I know what my lips will look like if I ever wanted to have a ‘lil something something done. I took some Benadryl and went to bed. I broke out into hives as well a few times over the summer, that I just blamed on stress because my husband and I decided to divorce.

I finally got into see an allergist. I told him the only thing that I could think of other than stress was that at the restaurant  someone had some lobster with their food. The Dr. said the chances of cross contamination was very minimal. Guess who was wrong? It sure wasn’t me. I have a shellfish allergy. A bad one. Who knew. Good and random that that’s how I found out.

Yet again, what I thought would be a short post, turned into another ramble. I think the posts will get shorter once I have some freedom. Who knows. I think I’m going to take a shower and go for a walk. Need that exercise.

Thanks for reading! XOXO

Pee Pals

Well, I am gracing you all with yet another post about my bladder issues. I came into our guest bath early this morning so I wouldn’t wake my husband or my child. At first I took a bath. Usually this helps to somewhat ease my irritated bladder. No relief this morning.

Now, I am still on the toilet. Aren’t I just glamorous and sexy? My husband sure won a prize with me. Not even joking, I have been sitting here for 2 1/2 hours waiting for pee to fall out of me. I’m also waiting for my Vesicare and AZO to do their job. The reason I’m not in bed is that while nothing is coming out, I am in desperate need to pee. It feels like there is a fire poker up my urethra. Being in bed doesn’t help. I can’t sleep because of the burning and urgency feeling.

I did get some buddies to hang out with me. I’m talking of my glorious cat children of course. They snuggled up in the closet letting me know I’m not alone.

These are some good guys. Toggle and Maddie. I got lots of cat snuggles. Then they got into a scuffle and left me alone, with my crappy bladder and my cynical mindset. Feb. 4 please hurry up! That’s when I’m seeing the specialist. I have an appointment with my PCP for this Wed. Afternoon. I honestly don’t know what they could possibly give me or do to me that would help. I already explored so many different options and treatments with minimal improvements.

(PC: The Meta Picture)

I know the picture about is about period pain, but this is close to how I feel with my IC and Endometriosis. Constantly. Having a chainsaw cut through me might be a welcomed guest to my lady parts instead of the constant pain and irritation. I don’t think I remember what normal feels like.

I think I’m going to invest in a padded toilet seat. I know those are usually for the elderly. But I sure don’t feel like I’m 32. Plus, I’m always on the toilet it seems so I might as well be comfy. I feel so bad for my daughter. I’m not a fun mom. I’m a tired mom. I’m a cranky mom. And I’m a mom with little motivation to get out of bed and keep her entertained and have a wonderful childhood. That might be almost worse than the pain. The sadness I feel that my daughter might one day resent me because I was too tired, too sick, too whatever to give her the childhood she deserves.

She did take a bath next to me while I was just sitting here and we chatted once she woke up. So there is that. Quality bathroom time I guess. Mother of the Year award clearly!

At least the cats find me somewhat entertaining.

Toggle on my lap.He is willingly lounging on my leg. Proof that he does love me! Well, it’s back to reading. The one positive about this whole IC, Endo torture is that I’m getting a lot of reading in, which I love. See my cynical perspective isn’t completely missing. At least not yet.

Feline Friday – Cat Reviews Baby Bjorn

My cat Toggle loves to review numerous products. Basically, baby products since that what we have been using. He enjoyed trying out baby girl’s car seat before she was born, strollers and the baby bjorn.

My sister wasn’t thrilled because I borrowed it from her. She isn’t the most fond of my cats, which I think is highly offensive. The following opinions expressed are from my cat Toggle and his opinion alone.


When I first laid eyes on this product, I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to have this contraption in the house. I’ve never seen anything like it. I was just getting used to a new baby in the house. There was so much stuff. So much. My mom even tried to put the baby’s clothes on me. The baby is a girl. I am a boy. It was awful. Of course, part of my job is to test out new items in the house to make sure they are safe for use. I climbed in the way a baby might sit. Yes, I think I quite like this. This would be very comfortable for a baby. Or for myself to relax after a long day of rest.



I tried another position to see if it would be comfortable as well. You know what? It was. It was really enjoyable. My mom said the hole where my head was is supposed to be for your legs. My head fits perfectly here. I think this shows that the bouncer can be very versatile.


Then I tried it in my favorite position. Upside down. This is when it really hit me that I had been missing out my entire life without this thing. It’s perfect. I can be in any imaginable position and still be comfy. There is a slight bounce to it, which really makes me feel like it was made just for me. I give this chair 5 out of 5 cat treats. Puurrrrfect!

The Mystery of the Missing Tampon

* Be Warned this is a relatively graphic post, proceed with caution *

Okay…so today started out very lovely. I was able to spend the day at a lake with my family and one of my dear friends for her birthday. It was relaxing and full of fun chit-chat. I got to meet her sister and cousin. It felt easy and comfortable. Ideal day, right?

Well, we were tubing and attempting to water ski behind the boat. I haven’t skied since I was maybe 12 I think. Even then, I wasn’t good. My husband is a good and patient instructor. I am competitive and impatient. We make a great team. I want to be amazing at everything immediately.

Since skiing is difficult and my legs are rude, I struggled getting up. I did get up a couple of times, success! Even if it was only for a second, it counts. It totally counts! Except each time I fell over it felt like I was having a colonoscopy or had a hose up my vagina. I even peed a little once we got off the boat. I’m pretty classy like that. Since my bladder surgery I have come to expect that I will pee at the most inappropriate times and won’t be able to control it.

Side note, my daughter tubed for the first time. We went at a snail’s pace, but she loved it. She’s just the sweetest!

Pardon the picture, the lighting wasn't been cooperative

Pardon the picture, the lighting wasn’t being cooperative

I also think that sometimes my husband is trying to kill me. He threw me off the tube pretty hard. Once again, I will probably have a post that makes no sense. I have a splitting headache. My husband is 100% responsible. Clearly, I take no blame even though I asked him to go faster.

Somehow during the chaos of the skiing, tubing, gabbing and eating yummy treats, it slipped my mind that I had a tampon in. I had an IUD placed a couple of months ago and have been on a light period for the past 2 months. I’m crabby and crampy. Since the period is almost constant I forget to wear one sometimes, or forget that I’m wearing one at all. I get home and tried to take my tampon out. I couldn’t find the string. Panic set in immediately.

I recently read an article where someone died from toxic shock syndrome. I’d been wearing the same one since early this morning. While trying to find the string I just pushed it further inside me. So many thoughts ran through my head. I worried that I would have to go to the hospital to have it removed. That would have been so embarrassing. Do I call an ambulance? Is this a crisis? I tried to push like you would when birthing a child. Not the same thing I found.

I went downstairs and told my husband that I had a problem. I told him that I couldn’t find my tampon and I didn’t know what to do. He made a rather unfunny comment about returning to the lake to get his fishing rod to search and rescue the tampon. I wasn’t amused.

Thank goodness he is so sweet. He went to the garage and grabbed what is quite possibly the largest flashlight I have ever seen. He looked pretty pleased with himself. Without going into too graphic of detail, he had the flashlight and got some tweezers and started to have himself a look. After some digging and weird comments; he found the string!!!! With his help we retrieved the missing tampon. For a minute I was pretty freaked out, as I wouldn’t have any idea what to do if I couldn’t get it out.

My husband, who hates blood, needles and anything medical, stated that he should have been a doctor. (Eye roll). Today was weird. Mostly relaxing and fun. My body is weird. I think I’ve realized that anything that is odd that can go wrong with my body does indeed happen. I shouldn’t even be surprised anymore. Obviously, no one wants to see gross pictures of tampons. So here is a picture of my cat wearing my daughter’s rash guard. He wanted to come swimming, but doesn’t like water so it was a bit of a predicament. Enjoy!