Tag Archives: expectations

Updates!

I’m not being consistent with my writing anymore. Sorry for those dearly devoted ones that read my blog. I am 7 weeks post-op today. I’m doing PT 2 times a week and am still in the collar. There is some good news though. I had almost NO PAIN on Monday. I cannot remember the last time I had a day without pain.

Yesterday was a little rough. Had to give myself another Imitrex injection. Putting a needle in the fatty part of my stomach isn’t really an issue anymore. I still have to breathe and give myself a countdown. The medication burns, but the medicine works quickly. The migraines come and go. I’ve been trying to document what I’m doing at the time I start to feel one coming on. I also document my pain levels throughout the day and my PT exercises. I document everything, since my short-term memory has been poor, I know I won’t forget it if it’s in my phone.

I have also gotten my walks up to 40-60 minutes. I have to wear the collar while walking, I’m not approved for any more strenuous activity than walking. I can’t do most yoga poses. There are significant limitations I have to my activity level. I have put on so much weight. It frustrates me, because the past year I was inactive due to pain and all the concussion symptoms. Now, I walk regularly, I’m out of my bed; the weight keeps on coming. I’m not eating a ton either. It’s so weird. I haven’t had a jar of frosting or a pan of brownies in like 2 weeks!

I had PT this morning and we discussed getting me back to my real life. Ha! What life? As much as I have complained about this collar, I think I might miss it. I definitely don’t want to keep wearing it, but I’ve gotten used to it. It reminds me that I need to be careful, and it lets others know not to trip me, or karate chop my neck or something. On my walk yesterday it was just as school was letting out. There was a swarm of tweens furiously riding their bikes to somewhere. I know this is ridiculous, but tweens and teenagers scare me. I’m self-conscious about the collar, because it looks like one of the ones that people wear to court and pretend to have been injured. I’m not sure if people think I’m actually hurt or if I’m faking. Walking in 90 degree weather, with sweat dripping from my neck should let people know I’m not just doing this for attention or something. I don’t know why I even care about anyone’s opinion of me.

Ok, so back today. My PT told me that I’m not approved to work until I’m completely weaned off the collar and am back driving. When I start driving again, they want me to avoid the interstate for a while, because merging into traffic on I-25 is out of control. Totally fair, and I’m glad I have that in writing so it gives me an excuse not to drive on it. I was also told that it depends on what kind of job I get, dictates how many hours I’ll be able to realistically. I was told that sitting at a computer all day wouldn’t work, because they feel that it could keep the muscles in my neck tight and I would continue to get migraines. I was told to talk to my PCP as well, to determine if I should really be working in the social work field with the concussion symptoms I’m also dealing with. I see her next week. I’m a bit overwhelmed because I have had so many specialists, different PT’s, NP’s, Dr.’s telling me what I can and cannot do. Some of those things are contradictory.

I’m going to cut this short. I’ve been trying to limit my screen time, because I have blurry vision, I get dizzy pretty much every time I stand or sit up. Then my neck strains and I can tell that I’ll get a migraine soon. This part is especially difficult for me, as we are a society that is very much technological. The phone, computer, TV, etc. hurt to be on for very long. Which limits job opportunities. If I work at a job that deals with a lot of calls, like a crisis hotline or something, I need a headset. I can’t have a regular phone since most of us hold the phone with our ear and shoulder so we can type or write at the same time.

It’s not all bad. I feel like there has been progress. I can have my daughter with me alone. I need someone to drop her off and pick her up from school to be with me. I still can’t pick her up, that’s going to be in what seems like the distant future. I see other people pick her up and I’m jealous that I can’t. She has to climb up a chair I’m sitting in, so she can be in my lap. I can still have her by myself so I’m very grateful for that. It’s not my weekend with her, I’m already trying to think about what I can do, by myself, without being able to drive…..I’m guessing not much. Staying in my house per usual.

I’m a little lost still. Sometimes I will sit at the top of me stairs and stare off into the distance trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. I’m really struggling with that. I’ve started to read daily devotionals in the morning and at night. I have “Jesus Always” and “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. There’s a little message on each page, one for each day of the year. When I have my daughter, we read the “Berenstain Bears Bedtime Devotional.” I think that this has helped to lift my spirits sometimes. It’s a nice little tradition we are starting. We used to let her watch shows up to bedtime. I’m turning things off an hour before her bedtime and we can either play, read, or take a bath and get ready for bed. It helps calm everything down. While she fake cries about not being able to watch her shows, she does seem to enjoy it and has started saying prayers on her own.

Maybe a good thing that has come out of all of this mess is helping me get reconnected in my relationship with God. I grew up in a fairly strict religion. I loved it when I was a kid. Church was rarely missed. I stopped going regularly when I was 23. I’m 33 now. I’ve been trying to kind of improve my faith, but has always had a wall built up. This wall was up because I don’t want my non-God believing friends might think I’m a Bible thumper. The struggles I’ve been through, loss of loved ones, mental health issues, physical health issues, not devoting the time for focus on God makes me feel bad. I really want to get better with that. I would love to have more trust and faith in God. I think that I am taking the time to do this now is helping me somewhat. It’s like I’m on a tightrope and I want to walk across, but I’m shaking and stuck in the middle.

I’m guessing that, yet again, my post will be a little scattered and hard to follow as I jump from topic to topic. I frequently start talking to people mid-thought and they have no idea what I’m talking about. Or I will trail off without finishing what I was saying. My mind is chaotic and I’m working on slowing down. So here’s my little update that turned into a long post.

I complain about the weight gain, but ever since I wrote about frosting and brownies I’ve been fixated on getting some. I don’t have any at home. I’m trapped here. I want chocolate. If I am going to gain weight regardless of what I do, I might as well commit and enjoy what I’m eating. I wish there was a cupcake, brownie, donut and other desserts delivery service. Can someone get on that please and thank you! XOXO

Today Can Go Fuck Itself Part 2

I told you I’d update you about my follow up with the surgeon from the ACDF surgery. By the title of my post, guess how well that appointment went? I’ll give you a hint. Today can go fuck right on off.

I did NOT get cleared to drive.

I can NOT pick my daughter up.

I can NOT do anything with my daughter without having a baby sitter or have to burden a friend or family member.

I can NOT spend alone time with my kid.

I still am in the neck prison. Which can go fuck itself too.

I do NOT want to try to look at the positive.

I’m so mad. I’m so sad. I’m disappointed. I’m frustrated. I feel so alone. I feel stuck. I’m stressed about money, even more so now. My divorce will be finalized at the end of the month, while we have been separated for a while it hurts still. I can’t do anything remotely fun. I want to break shit. If I did that, then I couldn’t clean it up because I’m not supposed to bend. I barely eat, but I’m gaining weight.

The bad neck pain I’m still experiencing is my muscles, not the nerve. So I have to go to PT two times a week. The surgeon said the horrible neck pain I have is from the whiplash and surgery won’t fix that. The pain I have right now might be permanent he said. If that is the case my neck can go fuck itself too.

I feel like every day that I remain not being able to drive, not being able to pick up my daughter, every day in this neck prison I should get $1 million dollars for this hell. I know I’m having a pity party and dramatic. Today went in a totally different direction than I thought it would. I’m upset. All 4 of my cats are on the bed near me. I love them, and I’d never do this, but I kind of want to throw them too.

I still feel like breaking things, but the items might be against my weight restriction. Then I’d be even more stressed about money. I’m so frustrated. I want my life back. I want a life. I got offered a job; the same job twice, once before my surgery and the next time 5 days after my surgery. I emailed her last night, as I was under the impression that I would be cleared to drive to see if a position would still be available for me. I also applied for several other jobs, which now won’t be a thing because I still can’t drive.

I think the woman who hit me should be the one with the driving restrictions. She hit me and wasn’t paying attention, so she needs to suffer the consequences and pull it together. Too mad to edit. I’m going to take a nap because I’m just over it. Over today. Monday’s are always an asshole.

Divorce with Dignity part 1

Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly. Please continue reading. I’ve gotten more than my fair share of unsolicited advice that wasn’t helpful and wasn’t wanted. Divorce doesn’t have to look like it’s portrayed on social media. It doesn’t have to be miserable. That’s such a misconception. I know a lot of people, even some of my dearest friends who have had ugly, painful, and exhausting divorces. I’m lucky in that regard.

The main reason we separated was because of poor communication. We had become strangers that just so happened to be married and had a child together. It was lonely. The specific incidence that led to use being done was a painful experience, we both stopped trying. The specifics of the final breaking point won’t be revealed here. It’s complicated and I will not post about that here. Sorry, but that’s between him and me. I never want to do something publicly that I couldn’t take back. The internet never forgets and I don’t want something I say out of hurt or anger to be out there forever, because I would hate if he did that to me.

Ultimately, our relationship was slowly sinking and we didn’t pay enough attention to try to work it out. So when a major fight happened, I think we were both relieved it was a big enough of a reason to finally call it quits. If that wouldn’t have happened we would probably remain married for the next 40-50 years. We would be in the same situation, both lonely, poor communication, and basically married to a total stranger. We stayed together for our daughter. We stayed together because it was comfortable. We stayed together because both of our parents are still together and there was a lot of pressure and expectations for our married. We had a lot of resentment towards one another, guess what doesn’t fix that? Lack of communication. We might have listened to one another, but we never actually heard what the other was saying. We both felt attacked and both felt defensive. It became this awful pattern.

There have been plenty of opinions, expectations, and pressure placed on both of us since we declared we were officially done. He and I actually get along so much better. We communicate better, like, significantly better. Several times, either one of us would ask the other if we were making the right choice splitting up. Each one of those conversations we both agreed that it was best to divorce. Because we get along so much better, people think we will get back together, or that we should make it work. Honestly, everyone needs to back off.

We have tried marriage therapy right after our daughter was born. We did give it the good ‘ol college try. Our relationship as romantic partners is beyond repair. We make AMAZING friends. I think since the pressure of our rocky marriage is no longer in the way, we are able to focus on our top priority, our daughter, and stopped resenting one another. We had a lot of anger towards one another, so much resentment. There are still a decent amount of people in our lives who don’t we are going through a divorce. I take pride in that because it shows that we are doing something right. An old therapist told me that our daughter doesn’t need married parents, she needs happy parents. That stuck with me. We are happy, we can do family stuff together and it’s not awkward at all.

Mini-me. She makes my world and recovery sweeter!

People give us their opinions all the freaking time. It is so frustrating. This has been like a 14 month process so far. Never once, has it gotten ugly. We’ve had a couple of fights here and there, but nothing like we have had while married and living in the same house. We would rather our daughter see us being able to being around each other, not being placed in the middle. Not being confused because mommy hates daddy and vice versa. Besides; what people see from an outside perspective don’t know all the little details that broke down our marriage. They don’t need to and we don’t have to justify or explain to anyone why it didn’t work out. It’s not their marriage, it’s not their divorce. So their opinions, frustrations, expectations, disappointments are on them. Not him. And most definitely not me.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all sunshine and bunnies. It’s stressful. It’s heartbreaking. It’s scary. Neither one of us planned on ever getting a divorce. We didn’t plan on getting one some day. We have both hurt each other deeply. Both before, during, and after our marriage. In spite of it all, I couldn’t have gotten a better person to be my ex-husband/co-parent; whatever you want to call it. We are choosing how our divorce goes. We talk about it together. We work through issues together. It’s not easy at times, and there are a significant amount of tears.

From divorces I’ve seen and what you hear about other divorces, not to forget, social media and movies giving numerous examples of bitter, ugly, painful divorces; I didn’t know what to expect. He and I chose to do it our way. We chose and continue to choose to not just be civil, but get a long. When we start to bicker we focus on our daughter. At the end of the day, my feelings don’t really matter, neither do his. Our daughter’s feelings matter.

We were told that children of divorced parents who get along well, are statistically as happy and successful in their future compared to children growing up in a chaotic non-divorced home. They are also comparing that to married couples who get along. Remaining married to someone you resent and fight with all the time can be damaging for the kid(s). As long as we keep doing what we are going I think we will all be ok.

Right now, this is working very well for us. Our daughter is happy, healthy, and thriving. She is so loved and blessed to have extended family from both sides of the family near by to give her even more love. I’m proud of us. I’m thankful that we still work as a team. We weren’t working as a team while married, but we are figuring it out. There isn’t a manual for this. There is no one-size fits all divorce. We have found what is easiest for us and our daughter. We will continue to strive to continue to get along. We will adjust as our lives progress and there will be a lot of changes, probably a lot of curveballs along the way. I’m confident that we’ve got this. He’s a fantastic father and I’m proud to have him as my friend and co-parent. I will always be grateful to him. Also, our kid is by far the most beautiful creature on the planet and is so much fun. I hope others divorcing can find peace to get along or the ability to be civil with one another. Children are quite observant and watch everything we do, even when we think they aren’t.

Sorry so long, as always. I wanted to let others know that not all divorces have to be awful. Even when things aren’t easy and we’ve deeply hurt one another, you can get past it. It’s not an overnight thing. It can happen. I’m living proof. If I ever thought I’d be going through a divorce, I thoughts I’d be vindictive because he hurt me. While he did hurt me, I didn’t and still don’t want him hurting. He’s a great guy. I’m a great gal. We aren’t great together. Our divorce will be finalized sometime in August I believe. While this has been a long time coming, and even though we get along, it hurts. It’s sad. It’s painful and this was not a part of my long, specific detailed plan of how my life “should be.”

Once you’re able to get past the hurt caused by and to one another (if you can, some situations are significantly worse than others) focus on the important parts, your child(ren). If you remain married, be mindful of the child(ren). What they see is what they will expect to be treated that way or learn how to treat others that way. Respecting the other parent, whether you’re together or not, greatly impacts the future of your children’s future, self-esteem, school performance, ability to have healthy relationships with others, and a multitude of other things.

Co-Parenting at it’s finest. Our baby is almost 4!

Our daughter turns 4 this week. I can’t believe it. But we celebrated her birthday this past weekend and I wanted to show a pic of Her dad, M, and me. I’m sporting the new trend of sexy neck braces. Both sides of our families came, along with friends. It’s weird if you make it weird. He and I don’t make it weird and if we feel it gets that way with extended family we tell each other to ignore it because it isn’t our issue. Look at my sweet girls’ face. She is happy. See, I can have some positivity. But I have to throw in some complaints or I know you’ll just miss them. The pain in the back of my neck is being a little bitch again, but I took a walk today for much-needed exercise, and I threw up 4 times on my journey. So, that is something……XOXO

Why Don’t We Talk About It?

Why does our society keep real, raw emotions so secretive? We ask others how they are doing, while only really wanting to hear them say “I’m fine.” We are in too much of a hurry to give a shit about anyone else’s lives. For those that actually want to share their truth and the pain they are going through, they don’t feel like they have the freedom to express themselves. They think no one cares anyway, so why should we even try?

Some people might think my blog is too negative or too depressing. First of all, if you don’t like it don’t read it. Next, I’m being real. Right now I feel negative. I am struggling with my depression. I am in physical and emotional pain. I am struggling. I am in a rut. You know what else? All of those feelings are ok. We are humans and we have every right to express it. If it makes someone uncomfortable, that’s their issue. I think it’s brave and strong to be yourself and tell it like you see it when everyone else is telling you that you’re wrong. Maybe the one’s that are “too sensitive” “too honest” “a bleeding heart” are actually the ones who have life figured out. Ever thought of that?

I have been told ever since I was a little girl that I was “too sensitive.” I’ve been told I was “too nice” and “too caring.” WTF is that? That’s not a thing. I say fuck you to that. It’s like a badge of honor in our society to not express emotions other than intimidation, power, and anger. That gets you respected. When I’m “too sensitive” I’m reaffirming society’s stereotype that I’m a weak woman and won’t have anything of value to contribute to a certain job or society because I cry easily. I have a tender heart and I do not apologize for that. I will NOT apologize for it.

This is one of my favorite quotes; “the only way for evil to prevail is if good men do nothing.” by Edmund Burke. There are some slight variations to that quote, but what I’ve written is tattooed on the back on my right arm. It inspires me. It reminds me that even if I’m not doing the unacceptable behavior, if I see it and do nothing, I am just as responsible as the perpetrator. We turn our heads and avert our eyes to things we don’t want to acknowledge that they exist. But that’s life. That is why my heart is so tender. That is why I “care too much.” We already have so many people caring too little, I may not be able to make a major difference in the world. But I’m sure going to try.

I’ve been told I was grandiose and delusional because I want to save the world. Ok, that’s probably not possible. But who would ever try to put someone down who has that goal? Shoot for the moon and even if you miss you’ll land among the stars. I’d rather try too hard and fail, than sit back and pretend that unacceptable behavior is ok, because I’m not standing up for the ones that can’t defend themselves.

The way I think is more exhausting. It does add to my depression. I tend to be more cynical than most people. This isn’t to be negative. It’s to be real. I’m a realist and I’ve worked in addictions, mental hospitals, jails. I’ve worked with some of the most challenging populations and guess what they don’t need? Tough love. Someone else pointing out their flaws. Being told they are worthless and have no purpose. When we are allowed to see people as people, and really want to see them, you don’t just accept the good parts of them. You get the good, the bad and the ugly. I am judgmental towards people, I’m trying not to be, but for the most part I feel I see at least some good in others, after all we are all people. Every person started out innocent and we don’t know other people’s circumstances that brought them to make the choices they have made in their lives. They can’t change their past, I can’t change their past; but as a society we can treat individuals like humans. We need to have more of a community thinking. We are all selfish and try to get stuff, money and power for ourselves. Other cultures work as a team. They seem to understand what really matters; not materialistic stuff, overworking ourselves while ignoring our families, money. Our lives should be about quality. Quality time with loved ones. Getting joy in helping others. And having more experiences and less possessions.

I would put my life on the possibility that if we become more compassionate towards others; become more accepting, and more willing to help others then there would be significant decreases in crimes, less suicides, less isolation and feelings of worthlessness and being hopeless. I don’t have many followers on my blog and that’s ok. I’m just rambling here, but this is what I’m passionate about. We are all equals. I’m not better than anyone else, even if I were a billionaire that doesn’t mean shit. It’s my heart that counts. No one gets to choose who their parents are. We don’t get to choose the color of our skin. We can’t choose our financial situations. With all of these things being out of everyone’s control it confuses me that we judge others on stupid things that not one of us chose or had  any say in.

I have so many things to say on this topic and other related ones, my mind is racing and wanting to get it all out. Again, sorry for the stream of consciousness. I believe that violence is a learned behavior. Research has proven that learned behaviors can be unlearned. See where I’m going with this? It won’t work for everyone, it just won’t. But don’t judge a person on their history and their mistakes. Violence can be unlearned.

Let’s give people chances. Let’s help provide safe environments where we are actually interested in how a person is doing. How they are really doing, not the “I’m fine” because society tells us to do that weird shit. Let’s take an interest into things and people other than ourselves. I wonder what kind of a world it could be if each day we were just a tad nicer, a tad kinder, give one more person a genuine smile, a wave to a lonely individual. The little things matter, and the little things can become the big things if we get enough people who want to make the world a better place.

My post may not be easy to follow to be on the same topic, however, the way my brain works I see all the connections. I’ve had people tell me they would love to be inside my head for a day. There’s some deep shit in there. And some awesome as well. Venting, complaining, feeling sorry for myself; however you want to classify this post as makes me feel a little lighter. It’s ok for me to struggle. When I struggle it also helps me to think about the injustices in the world and if there is something I could do to help change it. I’m an empath and will always feel the pain of others. While it hurts my heart, I can handle it and hopefully be able to make the world a better place. Even a tiny bit.

Sorry, not sorry; for the serious tangent I went on. I felt like writing what I was thinking and it feels really good to get this out even if no one ever reads it. Honestly, it took my mind off some of the neck pain I’m having right now, so that is extra wonderful. Have good snoozes everyone! XOXO

Baby is 2! Birthday Party Extravaganza

My daughter recently turned 2. Oh my! It was like once she hit the 2 mark, she really wants to get the full year experience of the terrible 2’s, I’m assuming. Please help us all. I need to keep my sanity. Anyway, I wanted to have a birthday party, but I didn’t want to go overboard. Yeah…..I ended up doing exactly that. I felt pressure to have the most amazing day.

This gal is 2!

So silly. She won’t even remember this birthday. Oh but I will. We are fortunate (and sometimes cursed) to have both sets of our families living relatively close to us. While this is usually great, it is also overwhelming for me when I’m entertaining. I’m pretty introverted, parties stress me out. I also think with all the beautiful birthday party ideas on Pinterest there is this pressure that I think many moms feel we need to compete with. Some of those moms out there are incredible and seem to get so much done and look fabulous while doing so. This is not the type of mom I am.

* Tutus are adorable, fun party favors, balloon inspired decorations and inflatable slides. Thank you Zulily!

* Spread includes: Caprese bites, egg salad sandwiches, southwestern quinoa, veggie tray, fruit cups, cheese, mini cupcakes, chocolate covered strawberries, and mini bundt cakes. Delish!

We bought an inflatable slide for our darling girl. Took up most of our backyard, but was a hit. I wanted to do some light snacky food items, which turned into quite the spread. Some of the dishes are obvious. For the ones that aren’t I will post the recipes in a follow-up post. I think we did a pretty good job. We all survived. She had a blast! The house didn’t burn down. Nothing got broken. Maybe next year I will take it easy. Wishful thinking as I know I always compete with myself. Oh dear.