Tag Archives: expectations

You Can’t Adopt Inmates?

I mean, obviously you can’t adopt an inmate. You can’t adopt grown-ups. I know about boundaries with my clients, not being “too invested”, having good self-care, blah blah blah. Doesn’t change that every so often there are several inmates that I would gladly take home if I could.

I think movies like The Blind Side make it seem right to take in grownups/or close to being a grown up seem like such a nobel idea. The entire adoption process of children is much more complicated. Once you turn 18 it’s like good luck, try to have a good life with no support system. I see more grown ups that are emotionally stunted because they had horrible childhoods and minimal to no support system.

As a human, you will come in contact with a variety of people who touch your heart in various ways. Some leave lasting impressions. Some you never want to see again. Then, there are some that if it were allowed, I would take home in an instant! I’m pretty vocal at the jail that I want to take some of the inmates home. People joke around with me and ask frequently who I want to bring home today. We laugh it off. I am mostly joking….mostly. I won’t take anyone home. This doesn’t stop me from wanting to.

Part of the reason I became a social worker is because I wanted to fix the world. I want to leave it a better place than I found it. Some of my supervisors over the years have said I have a “bleeding heart” and that my goals are unrealistic. Who cares if they are unrealistic? First, this pisses me off because who the hell is anyone to tell me that wanting to change the world is unrealistic. Change starts with one person, that’s it! I’m not saying that I will save the world, but wanting to save the world, why would anyone try to stop someone from attempting to do so?

Second, when did we all get so comfortable with the bystander effect? I’m a little disgusted that even among other social workers, there is this idea that some of my clients issues aren’t my problem and someone else with deal with them. Who is this magic someone else? Why is there always a someone else to deal with that specific issue? We try to make almost everything someone else’s issue. It’s not our job. It’s not our responsibility. People don’t want to take on other people’s problems. No wonder it is so hard for people to get mental health treatment. They have to go through many people, several agencies, countless pages of paperwork, then wait several weeks to months before even seeing a therapist or prescriber. People we consider high-functioning wouldn’t think this process is acceptable. For someone who is labeled with a mental illness, labeled a criminal, is homeless, whatever; this process becomes incredibly more difficult; if not almost impossible.

No system is perfect. I see countless issues within the system I work and don’t know where to even begin to start a conversation for implementing positive change. People are also uncomfortable with change. Not the point, with a flawed system it makes it seem more realistic in my mind to just take these people home. I know I can’t fix people. I know I’m not this amazing person that brings happiness wherever I go. I do know that change starts with the person who wants to change. But, I do have tools and skills to offer to these people. I do also have a warm heart that can give comfort and empathetic support.

There are things in this world I will never understand. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my job. I love the population I work with. There are days that are challenging. There are people who are challenging. The system gets me fired up at times. I am passionate about what I do, which people might mistake for weakness or being “too invested” (clearly I hear this term used often). As I have said before, I don’t think that being invested in a negative. Even if other people view that as a flaw, I will not change that. I will not apologise for that. I just wish there was better collaboration between agencies to help these inmates. I wish there wasn’t so much stigma attached to people who have committed a crime. Truly, anyone could easily get caught up in the judicial system, this does not mean this person no longer has value.

I just hope for a better world. I hate having conversations that focus on the limitations of what we can do as therapists/social workers. I don’t like being told that my ambitions are too high. That’s the problem with our society. Even if I don’t come close to my goals, I would rather attempt to get there and accomplish something than set my standards lower and accept things as they are. I may never see the changes in this world I wish to see, but I am sure as hell going to try.

New Nipples

I’m 2 weeks and 1 day out from my breast reduction. The drainage tubes were taken out on the 3rd day and I returned to work the Monday after the surgery. Most of the steri strips have fallen (or may have been pulled) off. I can really start to see what my final size might end up being.

I will probably be a small D, still a little large for my liking. Poor me, right? I don’t mind the scars. The scars aren’t as bad as I would have expected, especially so soon after the surgery. I feel more confident. I like the way my body looks in clothing┬ánow. My back doesn’t hurt as much and I’m hunching less.

Probably the worst part of this surgery so far is that the incisions itch horribly! I know that means they are healing, by I want to claw my skin off. Literally, I’m causing bruising to my boobs because of how much I am itching them! The pain from the whole surgery wasn’t that bad at all. I would say on a pain scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst pain I’ve ever been in, the worst I felt was probably a 2. I have taken Tylenol 3 times for some discomfort. Quite pleased.

Well, besides the itching, I saw my nipples without the steri strips for the first time since the surgery…I don’t really know how I feel about it. Maybe I’m used to my old nipples. I knew those nipples, they were just mine, for so many years! Now they are weird. Maybe because they are higher? I can’t quite decide what I’m not thrilled with. There is scarring all the way around both nips, this could be why I don’t like them.

The scarring seems to be worse around the nipples. It is red and angry looking. There is some puckering around the skin of the nipples. I’m sure they will heal in time and I’ll get used to them. I told my husband I was worried he would find me unattractive because my nipples looks weird. Of course he didn’t agree. I don’t feel like he would tell me the truth about it. Or, he’s a guy and they are boobs and therefore, they are exciting either way? I don’t know.

I am very critical of myself and expect perfection in every area of my life. I am still beyond happy that I had the reduction and lift. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I feel like at this stage in healing process it’s been a pretty good recovery with minimal issues. I just don’t like my nipples right at this moment. I might just need to get used to them, which probably means staring at my new boobs for far more time than is considered normal.

Bye Bye Back Pain

Well, it’s the night before my breast reduction. It’s a mix between a child-like excitement for Christmas, and crippling fear. The fear is because I will be under general anesthesia. I’m also afraid that my boobs will turn out horribly and look like a train wreck.

I have bought some clothing for when I am a smaller size and have saved several shirts I have saved for the one amazing day that my boobs will be smaller. As silly as it sounds, I don’t want them to turn out to be too small.

What silly problems. If my most significant concern at the moment is the size of my breasts, I think I’m doing okay. I am very fortunate to be able to have this done. I don’t take this for granted. I know many women, even some of my friends would kill to have my size boobs. The grass is always greener. I wonder why that really is. Each side of the coin has its pros and cons.

I do believe that my self-esteem and quality of life will improve. My back aches most of the time. I can’t wear a lot of the clothes that I like without feeling like I’m being very provocative. I just want to feel good in my skin.

One of my other concerns is that I can’t go to work this week. While my job can be difficult, I love it. I like the structure of my routine. I have attachments to some of the inmates who have been there for as long as I have worked there. I’m excited to return and be less concerned with how I dress so it won’t seem inappropriate. This issue has never come up, but I get worried that if I wear even the tiniest V-neck there will be cleavage and I will look unprofessional.

My thoughts feel dumb to me tonight. It’s basically my stupid insecurities running through my brain because I’m nervous about the surgery. I’m sure I’ll be just fine. I’ll be awake and on the road to recovery before I know it. I have a couple of friends who have had the same surgery, from what I hear a lot of women who have this procedure are very happy with the outcome. Hopefully, I will be part of that group who is thrilled with my new boobs!

Wiping the Wrinkles Away!

I wish this was a real thing. My daughter has been wiping my moms face, as well as mine recently. My mom watches her on the days I work. She called me one day and said that she thinks my daughter doesn’t like her wrinkles, as she was constantly wiping her face.

She has been doing this to me as well. I wonder if she is upset because our skin isn’t as smooth and perfect as hers? I wonder what goes through her head since she does this to not only myself but my mom. Do my wrinkles bother her? Do I look that old that I’m offending a toddler with my fine lines?

Maybe I need Botox. I hear it does wonders. I’m totally afraid of Botox. I don’t want to look plastic or have a botched job. All these silly things make me wonder if I need work done. I’m 31, some days I feel confident and secure with myself. Other days I just see all the imperfections.

This leads to many thoughts. One, I don’t want my daughter to have as bad of a self-image that I have of myself. Two, looks aren’t the only important thing in life. Third, society makes our looks feel like they are the only thing that matters/should matter for women. I’m an intelligent person, why am I getting sucked into societal pressure to feel that I have to do/be it all?

I don’t want wrinkles. I don’t like my wrinkles. Why am I partially believing that my worth consists on how many people think I look pretty and youthful? Seriously, so many thoughts flying around my head on this topic. As a social work female, I feel that it is my duty to promote self-love. How silly that I strongly want to promote something I rarely practice on myself. I see the best in a lot of people and am full of compliments for others. When people say flattering things to me I believe they have ulterior motives or are lying.

There are moments when I would rather be called intelligent, funny, kind, and/or genuine over beautiful. Then I get sucked into the destructive cycle again, panicking that people won’t see anything special about me as I get older. Women have a tremendous amount of pressure to be so many things and have endless positive attributes. I know I’m not the only woman or mother who struggles with feelings of insecurities.

It seems like little girls are focusing on their appearances at younger ages. I think my child is exquisite.  I however, also tell her she is funny, clever, sweet, kind, spunky and important; among other things. I want her to feel worthy of being anything she would like in this world. I want her inner beauty to be appreciated more so than her outer beauty. Realistically, we live in a world where her outer beauty will probably get her further in life than her inner beauty. How sad.

From now until forever, it is my responsibility to help my child to become a strong, confident girl. I have to push my insecurities aside so that I can help her thrive. Is this what all mothers feel that we have to do? Why do we continue to accept that this is how we have to think and strive to be? We (women) are constantly in competition with other women in every aspect of our lives. Why don’t we support each other? We are all battling unrealistic expectations to be perfect. We should be celebrating our uniqueness and the qualities that truly make a person beautiful.

We should promote kindness. We should support one another and fight for a world where women are really seen as equals. We should appreciate that everyone has value. We should, we should, we should…….There are so many shoulds. Will there ever be this type of reality? My own insecurities make me think about the bigger picture. Logically, I don’t want to get Botox on principle and want to stop hating what I view as flaws. I want to embrace what really makes me an individual. I’m human and in the back of my mind, I still want to be beautiful and have no wrinkles.

I want many things for my life. I want many things for my child. I want it all and don’t think it’s too much to ask for. So confusing. I mean, if I could wipe my wrinkles away I would absolutely be all over that! In a heart beat! To live in a world where we could all have it all. Wishful thinking. Maybe my daughter is onto a new treatment for wrinkles?!?