I really really hate IC (Interstitial Cystitis) if anyone reading this suffers from this, I am so SO sorry. Once again, I have been up for the majority of the night because I feel like I need to pee. I can’t.
My Dr. put me on a new med to try to alleviate the symptoms of IC on Wednesday. I don’t know if it is the change in medications or if I”m still in a flare up. Regardless, I am feeling pretty low both physically and emotionally.
I am calling into work sick….yet AGAIN! I love my job. I really do. It is stressful, frustrating, sad, intense; but I love the actual work I do and the mental health team I’m privileged to work with. So sorry lovely co-worker I am abandoning you again. I only work part-time. So including me, there are 3.5 mental health workers to tend to 500 inmates. This past year I have missed more work than I ever have in my life. And this is a job that I want to be at!
It’s too early to call any of my doctors. Believe me, the second they open I will be begging to be seen. I’ve been thinking a lot since I’m awake and miserable and I would seriously give up most things in my life to feel healthy or even less miserable. I was talking with my husband this weekend and we saw that the powerball is at $180 million. I was telling him that even if we won that money, it wouldn’t cure my IC, Endo or Depression. I told him that I would give that amount away if I did have it, just to get some relief. I don’t think that is in my near future.
I need sleep. I want to sleep. More than that, I really need to pee. Please come out. My bladder feels heavy, or something does. I feel like my insides are falling out. Literally. There is this pull and it makes me feel like I have to pee immediately, pretty much all the time.
I’ve been doing additional research on IC to see if there are any options that I haven’t tried that could possibly help me. During my research it looks like the average person pees about 7 times a day! Ha! On a good day I’m between 30-40 on my worst day it’s upwards of close to 100. I’m serious. How can anyone be productive when they go to the bathroom that often? It’s not a quick pee either. Especially if I’m having a flare up because I constantly feel like I have to go and only get a couple of drops out.
I don’t want to quit my job, but I’ve been tossing that around lately because it’s just not fair to my co-workers to miss this much work. I love seeing them, but I can’t function. Feeling guilty on top of that for missing work doesn’t serve me. It just adds more stress and guilt that I really don’t need or want to think about. Maybe there is something I can do from home for awhile until we get my symptoms under control. I really hate that. Just thinking about quitting my job is making me so sad. I don’t think that too many people find work they truly enjoy. The environment sucks sometimes, actually quite a bit. But like I said, the work I do is perfect for me. And I’m good at my job.
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that is making my head so confused about what to do in the job department. I do know that I can’t function like this. My quality of life right now is extremely poor. I believe that I’m tough, currently I don’t feel tough. I’m scared that this will never get better. Honestly, I’m not super optimistic about it improving. All I want to do is pee. Since that isn’t happening, I want to hold my vagina so it feels like I’m getting some comfort. However, holding your vagina isn’t very public friendly. Absolutely inappropriate when working at a jail.
I wonder if cutting off the lower portion of my body would help? If they cut off everything vagina and below would I still feel these gross symptoms? Maybe that is worth checking out? Can you see how desperate I am? Also, possibly extremely tired is making me think irrational thoughts. The longer these symptoms last, the better the irrational thoughts are sounding.
I brought a pillow with me to the bathroom so I could try and rest my head while I was trying to pee. Not comfortable folks. Then my kitty jumped up on the pillow and started purring. So sweet to comfort me. I read somewhere that a cats purr can help heal some medical issues as well as depression and anxiety. His purring did not cure or help my IC. I want a refund! Give me a cat that has magical purrs that can help me. Is there anyone or anything that can help? However IC came to exist pisses me off. If there is a vaccine for it, I need it. Maybe I should invent something to relieve the symptoms since there doesn’t seem to be anything useful.