Tag Archives: neck pain

Somber Sunday

I took this week off on writing. I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions. I started PT Tuesday morning, then I remained home with my daughter because she wasn’t feeling well. My mom has been running around like a chicken with her head cut off, helping me, my daughter, my sister and her kids, helping my dad work on a home renovation and she doesn’t feel well on top of that.

I once again tell everyone I’m fine because I don’t want to be a burden. They say I’m not, but that is how I feel. It was basically me and my daughter for 3 days by ourselves. On a positive note, I got to spend some alone time with my darling little girl. On the negative side, she was coughing so hard she threw up. Several times. I throw up as well, but not from coughing.

The longer I can’t drive, the longer I feel horrible for friends and family. I’m going on week 6 post-op and it feels like too much to just ask for help. Finally, on Thursday after 3 days of her feeling horrible I needed to take her to the Dr. I called her PCP but they couldn’t get her in, so I decided I’d take her to urgent care at Children’s. I called my father in law to help me. Rich was out of town on business. My mother has already helped me so much. His mom had a major surgery a couple of months before mine. Anyway, she had to go potty. I had to ask my Father in Law to pick her up and put her on the seat because I physically can’t and it’s against Dr’s orders.

Do you know how heartbreaking it feels to have a sick daughter and she’s not getting better, but have no¬† way to get her treatment? When she just wants her mommy to pick her up and I physically can’t. Do you know how shitty this makes you feel as a mom? This injury has taken so much from me. I know to I should look at the positive and one day I will be able to find alternative ways to do things. Isn’t it weird how to good times speed by, and the bad times seem to drag on? Why can’t it be reversed? Our monkey had to go back to Children’s yesterday. 2 Days after already being there. She was acting like she had a uti. It was awful. Poor girl was just miserable. She refused a popsicle from the Dr. and sour patch kids that I had in my bag in hopes we would get to play at the park.

This process is not ideal. I am just so tired. My head still feels like it’s carrying a bowling ball on a toothpick about to snap. My self-esteem is really special currently. Neck braces and collars are really in this time of year. Especially if you have a round or square face. I’ve heard the chubby cheek look goes with everything. I know it has really put a pep in my step knowing I’m going into public looking my very best!!

My scars are healing well. So that’s a positive. I haven’t been able to have tons of screen time because the migraines are becoming more frequent. I put my first needle ever into my stomach this week, and my second. Sumatriptan, for the migraines. That was another highlight of my week! The neck pain and migraines are such a fantastic treat to my life. It’s been what I’ve been searching for my whole life (thick sarcasm, if you haven’t picked up on that).

Before the car accident, I NEVER got migraines, I barely got headaches. These wreck me. Go into my eyes and make me throw up so easily.

There is a strong part of me, being wrapped in pain, anger, frustration, depression squeezing the living daylights out of me. Once I’m cleared to drive, I’m going on a long ass drive. I don’t even care to where! I am going to get in great shape and lose the 20lbs I’ve gained.

Right now, I’m just a hot mess. I cry constantly. It’s starting to feel like Groundhog’s day. Except in my version I have a lot of physical pain and tons of restrictions. This is that back and forth I’m talking about. Part of me wants to make this situation stronger and fierce, the other part of me wants to be taken care of.

Before I leave you all, want to know something I read? Who knows what all I’ve written since the surgery, it’s such a blur. 1 in 5 people who have an ACDF surgery get PTSD? And apparently you can get PTSD from any surgery or the anesthesia or something. I’m tired of my blog being full of so much negativity, that’s where my head is at now. I’m so tired of restrictions, I’m so tired of depression, tired of pain, tired of being a burden. So tired. So I don’t know how much I’ll be writing here. I don’t even know how many or if anyone reads this. It’s helpful for me to get things out and it’s faster than pen writing. I guess it doesn’t have to be public, but I am making it that way. My head is all over the place, that’s not new. The rambling, I think partially has to do with boredom and loneliness. At least my situation is temporary, hopefully.

Some Say I’m a Dainty Puker

Well, isn’t that just about the sweetest compliment one can get? My mom picked me up so I can sleep at her house as she will be driving me to the surgeon’s office tomorrow morning. This is the long-awaited appointment to possibly be cleared to drive and no longer have to wear my neck prison.

Right before she got to my house I was throwing up in a garbage bag. It was the closest thing to me and I did not feel like moving far enough to puke in a decent place. I would have thrown up on my cat if need me. I don’t care at this point.

PC: treatcurefast.com
My life, but more delicate, not that Niagara Falls shit that lady is doing. She clearly is making quite a large mess

Anyway, we went to the store to grab some stuff, on the way back to the car I stopped walking and just started throwing up in the parking lot. My mom patiently waited for me to finish and then handed me a tissue, because she is still a mom that is always prepared for anything.

She got me a sprite, we drive down to the house that my mom, dad, and sometimes me have been renovating. We chatted on the drive, I was doing fine. Once we get to the house I start throwing up in the bushes. A decent amount came out, considering I have almost nothing in my stomach. I wipe my mouth and look around the house to see how it’s coming along.

We then began our short drive to my parents’ house. I held up a Lowe’s bag thinking I might have to throw up again. False alarm. My mom looks at me and says; “you’re so dainty when you throw up. You just kind of dribble it out.” That wasn’t the exact quote but I can’t figure out how to put her facial expression and hand motions into words. She went on to talk about how when I was in the hospital, I would just politely throw up into my puke bag and then continue resuming my conversations.

I loathe throwing up. I do not feel the need to make the gross puking sounds. I feel like that’s more of a man thing. Being very loud and dramatic so we know how sick and vulnerable they are (sarcasm is thick here). I’ve heard this before actually. I’ve been called a delicate, elegant, quiet, gentle puker. I think I should take pride in that? Maybe? Can delicate puking be placed on my resume under additional skills and qualifications? I’m kind of serious about that?

PC: Google Image Search for Pain
I’m still in so much neck pain, my hip aches.

Now onto my hip. I think this is related to the puke. My right hip has started to ache when going up and down stairs. Dahmer’s bones are getting up there in age. Maybe his arthritic hip is attaching itself to my bone. He’s kind of a dick like that. I also think that he may be responsible for my puking. Remember, I’m a vegetarian. He was a cannibal. I think he wants anything that isn’t human flesh thrown immediately out of my body and that’s why I’m feeling so sick. There are absolutely no other solutions for these 2 issues. I’ve solved the puzzle, but I haven’t found the solution. If you all think I’m going to become a zombie in training, you are sadly mistaken.

I’ve just spent a solid 30 minutes trying to find a pic of Jeffery Dahmer on the internet to post here and none of them would let me. Pull it together google and WordPress. So, just google him yourself. Look at his face and tell me that if ghosts were real; that that creepy horrible man wouldn’t find his way back to resume his shenanigans. Because I think he would. He did find his first little loop-hole in the shape of a tiny iliac crest bone graft filler.

I need to figure out how my bones can put his hip parts back into their own little hip prison where they can’t try to take over my body. I’ll update on the restriction status tomorrow, unless I’m completely overtaken by Mr. Dhamer. He’s clever that one, but I’ll always be one step ahead. Hopefully………..

Week 4 Post ACDF Surgery

I don’t love it, but it’s true.

I thought I would be more consistent documenting my recover process. I don’t think I’ve accomplished that. Or maybe I have been updating in a round about way. My head is so scattered. With the parenting schedule being mixed up, the surgery daze and the meds still in my system I swear I don’t feel like I truly exist. I don’t remember the date, day of the week. It annoys me.

Currently, my gorgeous cat, Toggle, is sitting just behind my computer screen giving me good kitty moon eyes. All 4 cats are in my room, helping me feel less alone. I’m watching Gypsy on Netflix and am beyond confused, so if anyone else watches it, feel free to explain it to me. Seriously.

Toggle. Best Friday Night Date a Girl Could Have

Once again, the pain in both arms, hands and shoulder-blade feels perfect. They told me nerves can take FOREVER to heal, and to have the relief from them immediately is hard for me to wrap around my head. I expected to have a longer recovery in that area. I also thought I’d have more relief in my neck by now. Shooting, stabbing, sharp, devil pain.

The back on my neck, on the nerve, that hurt prior to the surgery is still bothering me. Like physical/emotional wreck. I cry constantly. I’m irritable. I’m lonely. I’m bored. I don’t have an appetite, then when I do feel hungry I binge on sugar. Not just a treat or two, like a pan of brownies that I melted marshmallows on top of, or a whole row of birthday cake for breakfast. I’m fairly intelligent, but can’t seem to figure out how to lose my extra weight. Sugar is my drug of choice.

I ate this today! All of it. S’mores pizza!

I have my first follow-up appointment with my surgeon on Monday. I’ll have an X-ray first, then see the Dr. Fingers crossed I get approval to drive! On the driving note I am nervous to drive in traffic. If I can’t bend, lift or twist; how on earth am I going to be able to look over my shoulder to merge. I’m going to be the car that is pissing everyone off because I can’t see well. Or with my luck I’ll have someone else hit me.

None of this makes sense! I need an adult. Also, completely unrelated, but for divorced parents, does it ever get easier on the days when your child is with the other parent? I saw my daughter every single day for 2 1/2 years, with the exception of 1 night, not of my choosing. I had emergency surgery. Then when my co-parent moved out, I didn’t get to see her every day anymore.

My baby

My world

The best part of my world

She just turned 4. We all went to breakfast as a family and even though it was “his” night with her, I got to have a sleepover with her at my parents. He is an amazing dad. I can not stress that enough. Even with us being so cordial, I miss the hell out of my kid. I think when you have a surgery/depression/chronic pain/mental illness/ etc. Whatever major thing impacting your life anyway, when you are sad and away from your child(ren) it aches. It physically hurts. I miss her.

School drop off on her B-day with mom and dad. The neck brace will be the most glamorous memory.

Pretty Happy 4 year old

She had to be Cat Boy from PJ Masks!

Can’t believe she is 4! It’s gone so fast. No more baby

I see her even less since the surgery and I know insurance won’t see it this way, but I feel I deserve a large sum of money for every extra moment I’ve missed with my little girl because of my injuries. I shouldn’t have to pour my heart out on my stupid blog and cry because I miss my baby. Life can be amazing at times, the other ones are absolute shit.

Wants to be like mommy. Her neck hurts too sometimes

Yes, I get to see my princess. BUT, this is a forever reminder that I had to miss out on so many moments with my darling girl, because of what that accident caused.

I hope the sharp pain in my neck goes away, and that it’s just like they said that sometimes nerves take forever to heal. If this is the best it’s going to get I will most definitely continue to be cynical and snarky.

The other day I had a meltdown, shocking I know. I’m getting so frustrated with the neck pain. I told my mom that I wish for 1 day, then changed to 1 month, then I decided I want 1 year. I want 1 year without someone I love dying. I want 1 year without suicidal thoughts. 1 year without a divorce (likely won’t happen), 1 year without a surgery. Just ONE mother fucking year of a break. I don’t even need a good life. I’m just tired of the “when it rains, it pours” shit I keep going through. My family jokes that if something could go wrong, it would (of course) happen to me. I’ve also joked with my family that if I wrote a bibliography, everyone would think it was made up.

Once I feel a little, or a lot, better I’m going to be a warrior. I’m going to continue to fight my battle with depression. I will continue to fight my pain. I will continue to do it, even when it makes me want to quit, run, hide and just go away. I will not lose my battle with depression. I’m not going to be a warrior, I AM one. Because I keep doing this. I’m honest about it. I’m not one of those people who people say, “oh she goes through so much and never complains, or is always positive.” I don’t know if that would be honest of anyone. I’m broken, but my brokenness can become a beautiful mosaic, I just don’t have all my pieces yet or the design down. There’s time to get it figured out.

Not a huge Freud fan, but hoping these struggles continue to make me stronger. Even though I’m sick of having to be strong.

 

Sometimes You Struggle

Yes folks, today was another struggle. Instead of going into all the details, I talked about it on my Podcast, wrote a letter to myself and went for a walk with my mom.

I’m sick of this neck brace. I’m sick of not getting to pick up my daughter. I’m sick of not being able to drive. I’m sick of the next pain still. I’m sick of my brain being in a constant stage of confusion.

All you divorced folks out there, do you have specific schedules? We have a 5-2-2-5 Schedule. So one of us gets Mondays and Tuesdays, the other gets Wednesdays and Thursdays and we alternate weekends. We have been doing great exchanging days for holidays, birthdays, random things coming up, whatever. He and I work really well as a team.

Since the surgery our parenting schedule had been all messed up. Since I can’t take care of her by herself my mom either stays at my place and brings my daughter with her, or she will take us down to my parents house for my weekends. While I’m delighted that I even get to see her, I don’t want to have a baby sitter to spend time with my kid. Although, I do think it’s crucial until I’m cleared for the weight restriction, because the goofball is hyper and wants me to do somersaults with her once my neck brace is gone. The main point though, is with the changes in the parenting schedule and the meds and being loopy, I am all jumbled in my head. I never know what day it is. Because I’d normally have her today so I think it’s Thursday, but it’s not. Then I thought it was Monday, but apparently that isn’t the case either. I’m all over the place and it really stresses me out.

I hate the head fog feeling. On the plus side, I wanted a donut today, a long john specifically with chocolate on top and angel cream in the middle. Yum.. Instead I ate a peach. Then made a pan of brownies and melted marshmallows on top. Yay me! I have no idea what 10lbs is, but that brownie pan felt heavy. I’m sure there is no way near 10lbs, but then what does that say about me? I am seriously out of shape and my baby arms can’t lift anything. No strong man competitions in my future.

Hope you all got brownies, marshmallows, or brownies with marshmallows on this summer evening. And thank those that help you when you need it, even if you have too much pride to ask for it. Words can’t express my gratitude to my mother. She is most definitely overbearing and annoys me easily, but I love her to death and am forever grateful that she has taken care of me, even though she has a ton to deal with on her plate. I do love you mom, even when I’m a raging bitch I love you. You still are not a Dr. though so stop with the medical advice. Love ya!

Night everyone. XOXO

Divorce with Dignity part 1

Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly. Please continue reading. I’ve gotten more than my fair share of unsolicited advice that wasn’t helpful and wasn’t wanted. Divorce doesn’t have to look like it’s portrayed on social media. It doesn’t have to be miserable. That’s such a misconception. I know a lot of people, even some of my dearest friends who have had ugly, painful, and exhausting divorces. I’m lucky in that regard.

The main reason we separated was because of poor communication. We had become strangers that just so happened to be married and had a child together. It was lonely. The specific incidence that led to use being done was a painful experience, we both stopped trying. The specifics of the final breaking point won’t be revealed here. It’s complicated and I will not post about that here. Sorry, but that’s between him and me. I never want to do something publicly that I couldn’t take back. The internet never forgets and I don’t want something I say out of hurt or anger to be out there forever, because I would hate if he did that to me.

Ultimately, our relationship was slowly sinking and we didn’t pay enough attention to try to work it out. So when a major fight happened, I think we were both relieved it was a big enough of a reason to finally call it quits. If that wouldn’t have happened we would probably remain married for the next 40-50 years. We would be in the same situation, both lonely, poor communication, and basically married to a total stranger. We stayed together for our daughter. We stayed together because it was comfortable. We stayed together because both of our parents are still together and there was a lot of pressure and expectations for our married. We had a lot of resentment towards one another, guess what doesn’t fix that? Lack of communication. We might have listened to one another, but we never actually heard what the other was saying. We both felt attacked and both felt defensive. It became this awful pattern.

There have been plenty of opinions, expectations, and pressure placed on both of us since we declared we were officially done. He and I actually get along so much better. We communicate better, like, significantly better. Several times, either one of us would ask the other if we were making the right choice splitting up. Each one of those conversations we both agreed that it was best to divorce. Because we get along so much better, people think we will get back together, or that we should make it work. Honestly, everyone needs to back off.

We have tried marriage therapy right after our daughter was born. We did give it the good ‘ol college try. Our relationship as romantic partners is beyond repair. We make AMAZING friends. I think since the pressure of our rocky marriage is no longer in the way, we are able to focus on our top priority, our daughter, and stopped resenting one another. We had a lot of anger towards one another, so much resentment. There are still a decent amount of people in our lives who don’t we are going through a divorce. I take pride in that because it shows that we are doing something right. An old therapist told me that our daughter doesn’t need married parents, she needs happy parents. That stuck with me. We are happy, we can do family stuff together and it’s not awkward at all.

Mini-me. She makes my world and recovery sweeter!

People give us their opinions all the freaking time. It is so frustrating. This has been like a 14 month process so far. Never once, has it gotten ugly. We’ve had a couple of fights here and there, but nothing like we have had while married and living in the same house. We would rather our daughter see us being able to being around each other, not being placed in the middle. Not being confused because mommy hates daddy and vice versa. Besides; what people see from an outside perspective don’t know all the little details that broke down our marriage. They don’t need to and we don’t have to justify or explain to anyone why it didn’t work out. It’s not their marriage, it’s not their divorce. So their opinions, frustrations, expectations, disappointments are on them. Not him. And most definitely not me.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all sunshine and bunnies. It’s stressful. It’s heartbreaking. It’s scary. Neither one of us planned on ever getting a divorce. We didn’t plan on getting one some day. We have both hurt each other deeply. Both before, during, and after our marriage. In spite of it all, I couldn’t have gotten a better person to be my ex-husband/co-parent; whatever you want to call it. We are choosing how our divorce goes. We talk about it together. We work through issues together. It’s not easy at times, and there are a significant amount of tears.

From divorces I’ve seen and what you hear about other divorces, not to forget, social media and movies giving numerous examples of bitter, ugly, painful divorces; I didn’t know what to expect. He and I chose to do it our way. We chose and continue to choose to not just be civil, but get a long. When we start to bicker we focus on our daughter. At the end of the day, my feelings don’t really matter, neither do his. Our daughter’s feelings matter.

We were told that children of divorced parents who get along well, are statistically as happy and successful in their future compared to children growing up in a chaotic non-divorced home. They are also comparing that to married couples who get along. Remaining married to someone you resent and fight with all the time can be damaging for the kid(s). As long as we keep doing what we are going I think we will all be ok.

Right now, this is working very well for us. Our daughter is happy, healthy, and thriving. She is so loved and blessed to have extended family from both sides of the family near by to give her even more love. I’m proud of us. I’m thankful that we still work as a team. We weren’t working as a team while married, but we are figuring it out. There isn’t a manual for this. There is no one-size fits all divorce. We have found what is easiest for us and our daughter. We will continue to strive to continue to get along. We will adjust as our lives progress and there will be a lot of changes, probably a lot of curveballs along the way. I’m confident that we’ve got this. He’s a fantastic father and I’m proud to have him as my friend and co-parent. I will always be grateful to him. Also, our kid is by far the most beautiful creature on the planet and is so much fun. I hope others divorcing can find peace to get along or the ability to be civil with one another. Children are quite observant and watch everything we do, even when we think they aren’t.

Sorry so long, as always. I wanted to let others know that not all divorces have to be awful. Even when things aren’t easy and we’ve deeply hurt one another, you can get past it. It’s not an overnight thing. It can happen. I’m living proof. If I ever thought I’d be going through a divorce, I thoughts I’d be vindictive because he hurt me. While he did hurt me, I didn’t and still don’t want him hurting. He’s a great guy. I’m a great gal. We aren’t great together. Our divorce will be finalized sometime in August I believe. While this has been a long time coming, and even though we get along, it hurts. It’s sad. It’s painful and this was not a part of my long, specific detailed plan of how my life “should be.”

Once you’re able to get past the hurt caused by and to one another (if you can, some situations are significantly worse than others) focus on the important parts, your child(ren). If you remain married, be mindful of the child(ren). What they see is what they will expect to be treated that way or learn how to treat others that way. Respecting the other parent, whether you’re together or not, greatly impacts the future of your children’s future, self-esteem, school performance, ability to have healthy relationships with others, and a multitude of other things.

Co-Parenting at it’s finest. Our baby is almost 4!

Our daughter turns 4 this week. I can’t believe it. But we celebrated her birthday this past weekend and I wanted to show a pic of Her dad, M, and me. I’m sporting the new trend of sexy neck braces. Both sides of our families came, along with friends. It’s weird if you make it weird. He and I don’t make it weird and if we feel it gets that way with extended family we tell each other to ignore it because it isn’t our issue. Look at my sweet girls’ face. She is happy. See, I can have some positivity. But I have to throw in some complaints or I know you’ll just miss them. The pain in the back of my neck is being a little bitch again, but I took a walk today for much-needed exercise, and I threw up 4 times on my journey. So, that is something……XOXO