Tag Archives: surgery recovery

I’m Not Patient Enough for Recovery

I’m the worst patient ever. I usually am very supportive and a great caretaker for others. When it comes to me, I suck. I hate having my independence taken away from me. I hate having to rely on others to help me. I’m not good at asking for help, and I feel weak when I accept it. Being so restricted makes my depression come out in full force. I’m struggling. I’m surviving, but it’s not easy.

I’m still having some trouble with the nerve in the back of my neck. That part is rough, but it’s the only place where the pain remains. I have been getting migraines on and off. I never had them before the car accident. Like I’ve said, I can deal with most pain. I struggle when it’s constant or chronic. Migraines just through me for a loop. Never really even getting many headaches I’m at a complete loss of how to deal with it. They make me nauseous or throw up. I have no idea how people survive migraines.

I’m bored. Have I said that before? Get used to that complaints because it will be happening a lot in the next several weeks. I’m stressed about money because I haven’t been able to work in a long time and won’t be able to work for who knows how long.

This weight gain hasn’t been a basket of roses for me. The least benefit I could get from this crap is some weight loss, not even more weight gain. I’ve been walking almost every day. Sometimes more than once. In the heat! With sweat dripping down the front and back of my neck brace. Maybe I can freeze the brace, then put it on. They need an ice pack neck brace.

I keep over doing it. Then I regret it the neck day. I’m so impatient. I want to get better right this second. I had my last art therapy group last night. It was only for 2 1/2 hours, but my body was exhausted. My head felt like a million pounds, and I thought my neck would snap any second. Seriously? Just sitting exhausts me.

Then, because I am not a quick learner, I was extra active today. I was organizing my daughter’s room. I was sorting clothes with my mom, of what to keep, what to try to sell and what to donate. Such simple things make my body ache and hurt.

I recently started a podcast with one of my best friends. We talk about anything and everything and we have been having so much fun. While we were recording tonight, I guess even with the brace on I was at a weird angle and almost passed out. It was such a weird experience. I got all in my head, got the colored spots in my eyes, felt like I was struggling to breathe, and a weird sinking feeling like I was being choked. It was bizarre and scared me a bit. It’s probably my body telling me not to go to hard.

There is also this weird swollen area neck to my scar on my hip. Like not the normal healing from stitches. Not complaining, just weird. I’m exhausted. I wonder how long it really takes for me to be back to 100%. Will I ever be back to 100%? My surgeon told me I would have tissue, ligament or something like that, damage for a very long time from the whiplash. That is no joke. Some might not think what I went through in what might be described as a mild car accident, has really done to me. It has really impacted every area of my life.

I wish I could be positive and inspirational in some way. I bet even the most inspirational people have these crappy mindsets, they just don’t publicize it. Once again, this is real. I’ve had some tears today. Not a ton, but feeling sorry for myself tears because I’m already sick of all the restrictions. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore. It’s hard to find the motivation to look into other career paths, and at times I don’t even care.

I’m rambling as always. I have a roof over my head. I have a precious daughter with such a tender heart. I have 4 cats that sense that I’m struggling and are being all cute and snuggly. As much as I hate asking for help, my mom have been incredible taking care of me night and day. She’s brought me down to spend the night so I could have my daughter on my days. And she’s been up to my house to take her to school and let me see her. I love my mom dearly, but she bugs the crap out of me sometimes. My mom is really an amazing woman though. I couldn’t get through this without her. She hasn’t complained. She’s making me feel loved and treasured and I’m beyond lucky to have my mom as mine. We fight sometimes because we are so similar, but we love the hell out of each other. If you read this mommy, thank you for being you and loving me enough to help me through the hell I’m trying to get through.

I’m sleepy and sore. Getting to the sleepy point where everything I’m typing is getting blurry. I hope you all have amazing sleeps, sweet dreams, and all the brownies in the world. If you do have brownies please send some my way please and thank you. XOXO

Help Me Escape My Neck Brace Prison

In case you think I’m just trying to be humorous, I’m not. Get this death trap off of me and burn it to the ground. Tonight is going to be me complaining (shocker) about why I hate my neck brace so much. I have 2 actually. I have a soft collar, which looks like the people who are faking a neck injury from a day time court show. My other one has much more support, even a nice little resting place for my chin and there are a couple of openings so my skin can kind of breathe.

The soft collar is more comfortable, but not super supportive. The other one restricts my movements, like it should, but it is so uncomfortable and it makes me feel like I’m 90 for some reason.

The stupid neck braces prevent me from looking left or right; up and down. This is very dangerous  as I could be completely oblivious to a stalker chasing me. I could miss a parade going down the street, miss seeing on-coming traffic. I could miss that jackass bird that is trying to poop on my head. I know that neck support is essential, but someone should really come up with one that is both sturdy and comfortable.

The stupid neck braces are hot as hell! Of course it would be me having surgery in July. Both of them have my neck drenched in sweat and I overheat very easily. I feel like with all the walking I’ve been doing to try to lose the weight I gained from being unable to be active so much would help me with my weight loss journey. So far, I am seeing no benefits to the neck braces or walks. With my hot sweaty neck braces I can’t smell my neck. I know that isn’t a thing. But I’m pretty sure it smells like rotten feet. Or dirty refrigerator.

On the topic of smelling myself, I am unable to move my neck to gat a good whiff of my armpit. If you know me, you know I have to smell everything. I’m fairly obsessive with smelling my armpits, particularly the right one. That one is my anxiety armpit. I need to check it to make sure I don’t scare people away. Everyone tells me it doesn’t smell, but I know it’s a lie. I have no shame, I will smell these pits any time, anywhere. Sometimes you’ve just gotta know these things.

The next thing I hate the neck collars for is that I can’t lift anything over 10lbs. Do you know what weighs less than 10lbs? Nothing. Not a damn thing. I’ve already unintentionally lifted over the weight limit. How am I supposed to know what specific things weigh unless I put it on a scale. Then what? If it’s over I could destroy the neck. My head feels like a bowling ball being held up by a dandelion stem. I’m all nimbly bimbly.

And the last thing I want to address tonight, is that learning how to move your whole torso to look either direction is harder than one might think. I’m so used to using my head. Once there is an injury you realize how much we take each body part for granted. My neck used to be pretty cool and let me see far and wide. Now I’m like a horse with blinders on, except with even more limits because I can’t move my fricken neck.

I want to be comfortable. I just want to sleep. My scar is looking pretty cool though. I’ll show pics later. I’m too tired to add anything beautiful so this is all you get tonight. I promise you that I will recover like a badass and live an amazing life. I’m not going to let this injury or the debilitating depression beat me. I will most definitely have difficult times and complain, but my life will have a purpose. So if I can hang in there, so can all of you. It’s a bitch, it sucks, people suck, life sucks; but we can’t let that shit win. Let your inner fierceness thrive. XOXO

Today is a Good Day

Today is a good day for me. I’m stoked that my pain is at a 1/10. My pain level hasn’t been that low in months. The downside to having minimal pain is that I feel almost invincible. After my previous surgeries I have a tendency to over do it too quickly. I’m ready to get back to my life. I want to live again and do normal things.

I went for a nice walk with my mom this morning. Wearing the neck brace is a pain. It’s sweaty and doesn’t smell pleasant at all. I have to really focus on moving my torso instead of just my neck when I’m looking around. The restrictions are annoying. I have to retrain my body to cooperate with doctors orders.

My mom didn’t like my post yesterday about my poop problems. I still have no regrets writing that. It was awful. I didn’t know what to do so I MacGyvered that shit. I’d say I’m quite resourceful, and if anyone was in my position I feel they would attempt to relieve themselves with any options near them. Until you are trapped and that backed up, you don’t get to judge me. I heard that most people go to the ER in those situations to get it manually removed by a nurse. Gross. I also heard that hospitals aren’t supposed to discharge you until you’ve had a bowel movement. Another instance of the stellar communication regarding my hospital stay.

PC: shutterstock.com

My pain level has increased to a 4/10 because I thought I could do more than my body can handle. Simple things like sitting, standing and slow walking really take it out of me. I like to think I can do more than I’m allowed to do because I’m a bit narcissistic and feel that my ideas are the best.

I’m going to take a nap and try to let my body reset. My incision sites are so incredibly itchy. My skin is so sensitive and it looks like hives surround them. I want to claw my neck open.¬† Probably another idea that will be met with criticism from my mother and medical professionals. I do what I want! I’m too tired to do what I want currently so maybe I’ll do what I want when I wake up.

I’m grateful for a partially really good day. I will get better one day and that gives me hope. I have hope that I’m going to have some quality of life again. I’ve missed feeling like I have something to offer the world. I know the recovery process is going to be a long one, but if it means I eventually get to live instead of exist it will be worth it. It better be, because I can’t express enough how much hell this ordeal has been.

Wishing you all happy naps, no pain and wonderful quality lives! Muah!