Tag Archives: Tired Mommy

Updates!

I’m not being consistent with my writing anymore. Sorry for those dearly devoted ones that read my blog. I am 7 weeks post-op today. I’m doing PT 2 times a week and am still in the collar. There is some good news though. I had almost NO PAIN on Monday. I cannot remember the last time I had a day without pain.

Yesterday was a little rough. Had to give myself another Imitrex injection. Putting a needle in the fatty part of my stomach isn’t really an issue anymore. I still have to breathe and give myself a countdown. The medication burns, but the medicine works quickly. The migraines come and go. I’ve been trying to document what I’m doing at the time I start to feel one coming on. I also document my pain levels throughout the day and my PT exercises. I document everything, since my short-term memory has been poor, I know I won’t forget it if it’s in my phone.

I have also gotten my walks up to 40-60 minutes. I have to wear the collar while walking, I’m not approved for any more strenuous activity than walking. I can’t do most yoga poses. There are significant limitations I have to my activity level. I have put on so much weight. It frustrates me, because the past year I was inactive due to pain and all the concussion symptoms. Now, I walk regularly, I’m out of my bed; the weight keeps on coming. I’m not eating a ton either. It’s so weird. I haven’t had a jar of frosting or a pan of brownies in like 2 weeks!

I had PT this morning and we discussed getting me back to my real life. Ha! What life? As much as I have complained about this collar, I think I might miss it. I definitely don’t want to keep wearing it, but I’ve gotten used to it. It reminds me that I need to be careful, and it lets others know not to trip me, or karate chop my neck or something. On my walk yesterday it was just as school was letting out. There was a swarm of tweens furiously riding their bikes to somewhere. I know this is ridiculous, but tweens and teenagers scare me. I’m self-conscious about the collar, because it looks like one of the ones that people wear to court and pretend to have been injured. I’m not sure if people think I’m actually hurt or if I’m faking. Walking in 90 degree weather, with sweat dripping from my neck should let people know I’m not just doing this for attention or something. I don’t know why I even care about anyone’s opinion of me.

Ok, so back today. My PT told me that I’m not approved to work until I’m completely weaned off the collar and am back driving. When I start driving again, they want me to avoid the interstate for a while, because merging into traffic on I-25 is out of control. Totally fair, and I’m glad I have that in writing so it gives me an excuse not to drive on it. I was also told that it depends on what kind of job I get, dictates how many hours I’ll be able to realistically. I was told that sitting at a computer all day wouldn’t work, because they feel that it could keep the muscles in my neck tight and I would continue to get migraines. I was told to talk to my PCP as well, to determine if I should really be working in the social work field with the concussion symptoms I’m also dealing with. I see her next week. I’m a bit overwhelmed because I have had so many specialists, different PT’s, NP’s, Dr.’s telling me what I can and cannot do. Some of those things are contradictory.

I’m going to cut this short. I’ve been trying to limit my screen time, because I have blurry vision, I get dizzy pretty much every time I stand or sit up. Then my neck strains and I can tell that I’ll get a migraine soon. This part is especially difficult for me, as we are a society that is very much technological. The phone, computer, TV, etc. hurt to be on for very long. Which limits job opportunities. If I work at a job that deals with a lot of calls, like a crisis hotline or something, I need a headset. I can’t have a regular phone since most of us hold the phone with our ear and shoulder so we can type or write at the same time.

It’s not all bad. I feel like there has been progress. I can have my daughter with me alone. I need someone to drop her off and pick her up from school to be with me. I still can’t pick her up, that’s going to be in what seems like the distant future. I see other people pick her up and I’m jealous that I can’t. She has to climb up a chair I’m sitting in, so she can be in my lap. I can still have her by myself so I’m very grateful for that. It’s not my weekend with her, I’m already trying to think about what I can do, by myself, without being able to drive…..I’m guessing not much. Staying in my house per usual.

I’m a little lost still. Sometimes I will sit at the top of me stairs and stare off into the distance trying to figure out what my purpose in life is. I’m really struggling with that. I’ve started to read daily devotionals in the morning and at night. I have “Jesus Always” and “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. There’s a little message on each page, one for each day of the year. When I have my daughter, we read the “Berenstain Bears Bedtime Devotional.” I think that this has helped to lift my spirits sometimes. It’s a nice little tradition we are starting. We used to let her watch shows up to bedtime. I’m turning things off an hour before her bedtime and we can either play, read, or take a bath and get ready for bed. It helps calm everything down. While she fake cries about not being able to watch her shows, she does seem to enjoy it and has started saying prayers on her own.

Maybe a good thing that has come out of all of this mess is helping me get reconnected in my relationship with God. I grew up in a fairly strict religion. I loved it when I was a kid. Church was rarely missed. I stopped going regularly when I was 23. I’m 33 now. I’ve been trying to kind of improve my faith, but has always had a wall built up. This wall was up because I don’t want my non-God believing friends might think I’m a Bible thumper. The struggles I’ve been through, loss of loved ones, mental health issues, physical health issues, not devoting the time for focus on God makes me feel bad. I really want to get better with that. I would love to have more trust and faith in God. I think that I am taking the time to do this now is helping me somewhat. It’s like I’m on a tightrope and I want to walk across, but I’m shaking and stuck in the middle.

I’m guessing that, yet again, my post will be a little scattered and hard to follow as I jump from topic to topic. I frequently start talking to people mid-thought and they have no idea what I’m talking about. Or I will trail off without finishing what I was saying. My mind is chaotic and I’m working on slowing down. So here’s my little update that turned into a long post.

I complain about the weight gain, but ever since I wrote about frosting and brownies I’ve been fixated on getting some. I don’t have any at home. I’m trapped here. I want chocolate. If I am going to gain weight regardless of what I do, I might as well commit and enjoy what I’m eating. I wish there was a cupcake, brownie, donut and other desserts delivery service. Can someone get on that please and thank you! XOXO

Today Can Go Fuck Itself Part 2

I told you I’d update you about my follow up with the surgeon from the ACDF surgery. By the title of my post, guess how well that appointment went? I’ll give you a hint. Today can go fuck right on off.

I did NOT get cleared to drive.

I can NOT pick my daughter up.

I can NOT do anything with my daughter without having a baby sitter or have to burden a friend or family member.

I can NOT spend alone time with my kid.

I still am in the neck prison. Which can go fuck itself too.

I do NOT want to try to look at the positive.

I’m so mad. I’m so sad. I’m disappointed. I’m frustrated. I feel so alone. I feel stuck. I’m stressed about money, even more so now. My divorce will be finalized at the end of the month, while we have been separated for a while it hurts still. I can’t do anything remotely fun. I want to break shit. If I did that, then I couldn’t clean it up because I’m not supposed to bend. I barely eat, but I’m gaining weight.

The bad neck pain I’m still experiencing is my muscles, not the nerve. So I have to go to PT two times a week. The surgeon said the horrible neck pain I have is from the whiplash and surgery won’t fix that. The pain I have right now might be permanent he said. If that is the case my neck can go fuck itself too.

I feel like every day that I remain not being able to drive, not being able to pick up my daughter, every day in this neck prison I should get $1 million dollars for this hell. I know I’m having a pity party and dramatic. Today went in a totally different direction than I thought it would. I’m upset. All 4 of my cats are on the bed near me. I love them, and I’d never do this, but I kind of want to throw them too.

I still feel like breaking things, but the items might be against my weight restriction. Then I’d be even more stressed about money. I’m so frustrated. I want my life back. I want a life. I got offered a job; the same job twice, once before my surgery and the next time 5 days after my surgery. I emailed her last night, as I was under the impression that I would be cleared to drive to see if a position would still be available for me. I also applied for several other jobs, which now won’t be a thing because I still can’t drive.

I think the woman who hit me should be the one with the driving restrictions. She hit me and wasn’t paying attention, so she needs to suffer the consequences and pull it together. Too mad to edit. I’m going to take a nap because I’m just over it. Over today. Monday’s are always an asshole.

Week 4 Post ACDF Surgery

I don’t love it, but it’s true.

I thought I would be more consistent documenting my recover process. I don’t think I’ve accomplished that. Or maybe I have been updating in a round about way. My head is so scattered. With the parenting schedule being mixed up, the surgery daze and the meds still in my system I swear I don’t feel like I truly exist. I don’t remember the date, day of the week. It annoys me.

Currently, my gorgeous cat, Toggle, is sitting just behind my computer screen giving me good kitty moon eyes. All 4 cats are in my room, helping me feel less alone. I’m watching Gypsy on Netflix and am beyond confused, so if anyone else watches it, feel free to explain it to me. Seriously.

Toggle. Best Friday Night Date a Girl Could Have

Once again, the pain in both arms, hands and shoulder-blade feels perfect. They told me nerves can take FOREVER to heal, and to have the relief from them immediately is hard for me to wrap around my head. I expected to have a longer recovery in that area. I also thought I’d have more relief in my neck by now. Shooting, stabbing, sharp, devil pain.

The back on my neck, on the nerve, that hurt prior to the surgery is still bothering me. Like physical/emotional wreck. I cry constantly. I’m irritable. I’m lonely. I’m bored. I don’t have an appetite, then when I do feel hungry I binge on sugar. Not just a treat or two, like a pan of brownies that I melted marshmallows on top of, or a whole row of birthday cake for breakfast. I’m fairly intelligent, but can’t seem to figure out how to lose my extra weight. Sugar is my drug of choice.

I ate this today! All of it. S’mores pizza!

I have my first follow-up appointment with my surgeon on Monday. I’ll have an X-ray first, then see the Dr. Fingers crossed I get approval to drive! On the driving note I am nervous to drive in traffic. If I can’t bend, lift or twist; how on earth am I going to be able to look over my shoulder to merge. I’m going to be the car that is pissing everyone off because I can’t see well. Or with my luck I’ll have someone else hit me.

None of this makes sense! I need an adult. Also, completely unrelated, but for divorced parents, does it ever get easier on the days when your child is with the other parent? I saw my daughter every single day for 2 1/2 years, with the exception of 1 night, not of my choosing. I had emergency surgery. Then when my co-parent moved out, I didn’t get to see her every day anymore.

My baby

My world

The best part of my world

She just turned 4. We all went to breakfast as a family and even though it was “his” night with her, I got to have a sleepover with her at my parents. He is an amazing dad. I can not stress that enough. Even with us being so cordial, I miss the hell out of my kid. I think when you have a surgery/depression/chronic pain/mental illness/ etc. Whatever major thing impacting your life anyway, when you are sad and away from your child(ren) it aches. It physically hurts. I miss her.

School drop off on her B-day with mom and dad. The neck brace will be the most glamorous memory.

Pretty Happy 4 year old

She had to be Cat Boy from PJ Masks!

Can’t believe she is 4! It’s gone so fast. No more baby

I see her even less since the surgery and I know insurance won’t see it this way, but I feel I deserve a large sum of money for every extra moment I’ve missed with my little girl because of my injuries. I shouldn’t have to pour my heart out on my stupid blog and cry because I miss my baby. Life can be amazing at times, the other ones are absolute shit.

Wants to be like mommy. Her neck hurts too sometimes

Yes, I get to see my princess. BUT, this is a forever reminder that I had to miss out on so many moments with my darling girl, because of what that accident caused.

I hope the sharp pain in my neck goes away, and that it’s just like they said that sometimes nerves take forever to heal. If this is the best it’s going to get I will most definitely continue to be cynical and snarky.

The other day I had a meltdown, shocking I know. I’m getting so frustrated with the neck pain. I told my mom that I wish for 1 day, then changed to 1 month, then I decided I want 1 year. I want 1 year without someone I love dying. I want 1 year without suicidal thoughts. 1 year without a divorce (likely won’t happen), 1 year without a surgery. Just ONE mother fucking year of a break. I don’t even need a good life. I’m just tired of the “when it rains, it pours” shit I keep going through. My family jokes that if something could go wrong, it would (of course) happen to me. I’ve also joked with my family that if I wrote a bibliography, everyone would think it was made up.

Once I feel a little, or a lot, better I’m going to be a warrior. I’m going to continue to fight my battle with depression. I will continue to fight my pain. I will continue to do it, even when it makes me want to quit, run, hide and just go away. I will not lose my battle with depression. I’m not going to be a warrior, I AM one. Because I keep doing this. I’m honest about it. I’m not one of those people who people say, “oh she goes through so much and never complains, or is always positive.” I don’t know if that would be honest of anyone. I’m broken, but my brokenness can become a beautiful mosaic, I just don’t have all my pieces yet or the design down. There’s time to get it figured out.

Not a huge Freud fan, but hoping these struggles continue to make me stronger. Even though I’m sick of having to be strong.

 

Sometimes You Struggle

Yes folks, today was another struggle. Instead of going into all the details, I talked about it on my Podcast, wrote a letter to myself and went for a walk with my mom.

I’m sick of this neck brace. I’m sick of not getting to pick up my daughter. I’m sick of not being able to drive. I’m sick of the next pain still. I’m sick of my brain being in a constant stage of confusion.

All you divorced folks out there, do you have specific schedules? We have a 5-2-2-5 Schedule. So one of us gets Mondays and Tuesdays, the other gets Wednesdays and Thursdays and we alternate weekends. We have been doing great exchanging days for holidays, birthdays, random things coming up, whatever. He and I work really well as a team.

Since the surgery our parenting schedule had been all messed up. Since I can’t take care of her by herself my mom either stays at my place and brings my daughter with her, or she will take us down to my parents house for my weekends. While I’m delighted that I even get to see her, I don’t want to have a baby sitter to spend time with my kid. Although, I do think it’s crucial until I’m cleared for the weight restriction, because the goofball is hyper and wants me to do somersaults with her once my neck brace is gone. The main point though, is with the changes in the parenting schedule and the meds and being loopy, I am all jumbled in my head. I never know what day it is. Because I’d normally have her today so I think it’s Thursday, but it’s not. Then I thought it was Monday, but apparently that isn’t the case either. I’m all over the place and it really stresses me out.

I hate the head fog feeling. On the plus side, I wanted a donut today, a long john specifically with chocolate on top and angel cream in the middle. Yum.. Instead I ate a peach. Then made a pan of brownies and melted marshmallows on top. Yay me! I have no idea what 10lbs is, but that brownie pan felt heavy. I’m sure there is no way near 10lbs, but then what does that say about me? I am seriously out of shape and my baby arms can’t lift anything. No strong man competitions in my future.

Hope you all got brownies, marshmallows, or brownies with marshmallows on this summer evening. And thank those that help you when you need it, even if you have too much pride to ask for it. Words can’t express my gratitude to my mother. She is most definitely overbearing and annoys me easily, but I love her to death and am forever grateful that she has taken care of me, even though she has a ton to deal with on her plate. I do love you mom, even when I’m a raging bitch I love you. You still are not a Dr. though so stop with the medical advice. Love ya!

Night everyone. XOXO

Divorce with Dignity part 1

Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly. Please continue reading. I’ve gotten more than my fair share of unsolicited advice that wasn’t helpful and wasn’t wanted. Divorce doesn’t have to look like it’s portrayed on social media. It doesn’t have to be miserable. That’s such a misconception. I know a lot of people, even some of my dearest friends who have had ugly, painful, and exhausting divorces. I’m lucky in that regard.

The main reason we separated was because of poor communication. We had become strangers that just so happened to be married and had a child together. It was lonely. The specific incidence that led to use being done was a painful experience, we both stopped trying. The specifics of the final breaking point won’t be revealed here. It’s complicated and I will not post about that here. Sorry, but that’s between him and me. I never want to do something publicly that I couldn’t take back. The internet never forgets and I don’t want something I say out of hurt or anger to be out there forever, because I would hate if he did that to me.

Ultimately, our relationship was slowly sinking and we didn’t pay enough attention to try to work it out. So when a major fight happened, I think we were both relieved it was a big enough of a reason to finally call it quits. If that wouldn’t have happened we would probably remain married for the next 40-50 years. We would be in the same situation, both lonely, poor communication, and basically married to a total stranger. We stayed together for our daughter. We stayed together because it was comfortable. We stayed together because both of our parents are still together and there was a lot of pressure and expectations for our married. We had a lot of resentment towards one another, guess what doesn’t fix that? Lack of communication. We might have listened to one another, but we never actually heard what the other was saying. We both felt attacked and both felt defensive. It became this awful pattern.

There have been plenty of opinions, expectations, and pressure placed on both of us since we declared we were officially done. He and I actually get along so much better. We communicate better, like, significantly better. Several times, either one of us would ask the other if we were making the right choice splitting up. Each one of those conversations we both agreed that it was best to divorce. Because we get along so much better, people think we will get back together, or that we should make it work. Honestly, everyone needs to back off.

We have tried marriage therapy right after our daughter was born. We did give it the good ‘ol college try. Our relationship as romantic partners is beyond repair. We make AMAZING friends. I think since the pressure of our rocky marriage is no longer in the way, we are able to focus on our top priority, our daughter, and stopped resenting one another. We had a lot of anger towards one another, so much resentment. There are still a decent amount of people in our lives who don’t we are going through a divorce. I take pride in that because it shows that we are doing something right. An old therapist told me that our daughter doesn’t need married parents, she needs happy parents. That stuck with me. We are happy, we can do family stuff together and it’s not awkward at all.

Mini-me. She makes my world and recovery sweeter!

People give us their opinions all the freaking time. It is so frustrating. This has been like a 14 month process so far. Never once, has it gotten ugly. We’ve had a couple of fights here and there, but nothing like we have had while married and living in the same house. We would rather our daughter see us being able to being around each other, not being placed in the middle. Not being confused because mommy hates daddy and vice versa. Besides; what people see from an outside perspective don’t know all the little details that broke down our marriage. They don’t need to and we don’t have to justify or explain to anyone why it didn’t work out. It’s not their marriage, it’s not their divorce. So their opinions, frustrations, expectations, disappointments are on them. Not him. And most definitely not me.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all sunshine and bunnies. It’s stressful. It’s heartbreaking. It’s scary. Neither one of us planned on ever getting a divorce. We didn’t plan on getting one some day. We have both hurt each other deeply. Both before, during, and after our marriage. In spite of it all, I couldn’t have gotten a better person to be my ex-husband/co-parent; whatever you want to call it. We are choosing how our divorce goes. We talk about it together. We work through issues together. It’s not easy at times, and there are a significant amount of tears.

From divorces I’ve seen and what you hear about other divorces, not to forget, social media and movies giving numerous examples of bitter, ugly, painful divorces; I didn’t know what to expect. He and I chose to do it our way. We chose and continue to choose to not just be civil, but get a long. When we start to bicker we focus on our daughter. At the end of the day, my feelings don’t really matter, neither do his. Our daughter’s feelings matter.

We were told that children of divorced parents who get along well, are statistically as happy and successful in their future compared to children growing up in a chaotic non-divorced home. They are also comparing that to married couples who get along. Remaining married to someone you resent and fight with all the time can be damaging for the kid(s). As long as we keep doing what we are going I think we will all be ok.

Right now, this is working very well for us. Our daughter is happy, healthy, and thriving. She is so loved and blessed to have extended family from both sides of the family near by to give her even more love. I’m proud of us. I’m thankful that we still work as a team. We weren’t working as a team while married, but we are figuring it out. There isn’t a manual for this. There is no one-size fits all divorce. We have found what is easiest for us and our daughter. We will continue to strive to continue to get along. We will adjust as our lives progress and there will be a lot of changes, probably a lot of curveballs along the way. I’m confident that we’ve got this. He’s a fantastic father and I’m proud to have him as my friend and co-parent. I will always be grateful to him. Also, our kid is by far the most beautiful creature on the planet and is so much fun. I hope others divorcing can find peace to get along or the ability to be civil with one another. Children are quite observant and watch everything we do, even when we think they aren’t.

Sorry so long, as always. I wanted to let others know that not all divorces have to be awful. Even when things aren’t easy and we’ve deeply hurt one another, you can get past it. It’s not an overnight thing. It can happen. I’m living proof. If I ever thought I’d be going through a divorce, I thoughts I’d be vindictive because he hurt me. While he did hurt me, I didn’t and still don’t want him hurting. He’s a great guy. I’m a great gal. We aren’t great together. Our divorce will be finalized sometime in August I believe. While this has been a long time coming, and even though we get along, it hurts. It’s sad. It’s painful and this was not a part of my long, specific detailed plan of how my life “should be.”

Once you’re able to get past the hurt caused by and to one another (if you can, some situations are significantly worse than others) focus on the important parts, your child(ren). If you remain married, be mindful of the child(ren). What they see is what they will expect to be treated that way or learn how to treat others that way. Respecting the other parent, whether you’re together or not, greatly impacts the future of your children’s future, self-esteem, school performance, ability to have healthy relationships with others, and a multitude of other things.

Co-Parenting at it’s finest. Our baby is almost 4!

Our daughter turns 4 this week. I can’t believe it. But we celebrated her birthday this past weekend and I wanted to show a pic of Her dad, M, and me. I’m sporting the new trend of sexy neck braces. Both sides of our families came, along with friends. It’s weird if you make it weird. He and I don’t make it weird and if we feel it gets that way with extended family we tell each other to ignore it because it isn’t our issue. Look at my sweet girls’ face. She is happy. See, I can have some positivity. But I have to throw in some complaints or I know you’ll just miss them. The pain in the back of my neck is being a little bitch again, but I took a walk today for much-needed exercise, and I threw up 4 times on my journey. So, that is something……XOXO